Category: Uncategorized

Health Benef…

We had our BENEFITS MEETING at work. It took place in a cavernous glass walled room for maximum echo, without any PA, and without a presentation system, so that we had trouble hearing and the powerpoint was passed out xeroxed. Always a good start.

Benefits next year are… um.. worse. Much more expensive, and lots of hurdles in the way of actually getting your disease fixed. They have those things now where they call you up and want to “manage” your chronic disease, and they want you to call a rent-a-nurse before seeking care. So, I summarized it for my coworkers who couldn’t be there:

For those of you who missed the meeting or couldn’t hear, here’s the highlights:

* Sign up now for uhc.com’s Super Fantasy Health Care 2004 Season! Pick your doctors, plot your strategy, and see how much actual health care you can get for your fee. With lives on the line this is the most exciting fantasy sport product yet! Actual health care not provided.

* If you are suffering from gunshot wound, hemorrhagic fever, uncontrollable seizures, or acute appendicitis, a Registered Dissuader may contact you and prevent you by force from obtaining actual health care. This is all part of the changing landscape of today’s economy.

* A money saving tip: Use our convenient mail-order pharmacy! We save money hiring temps from halfway houses to figure out your prescription, dispensing with those overpaid “pharmacy degree” types. Everyone wins!

* Remember: Every time you seek out health care, Baby Jesus cries.

* A representative from the Health Abatement Team may contact you if you suffer from chronic conditions such as heart disease, emphysema, diabetes, or constipation. This program, which is entirely voluntary, offers a variety of “exit strategies” and care alternatives provided by trained and caring euthanasia professionals. Together, we can beat health care costs the dignified way.

Please don’t hesitate to contact us at any time for an upbeat, humorous, and team-building talk about care alternatives. To your Health!

It tastes like burning

I didn’t think it was possible to make a burger entirely out of salt, but Red Robin has achieved this. Water, please senor, before I die.

This mall is weird. There are lots of carts, many of them selling technology from 1991 like a fudged up pingpong video game and customized childrens CD’s. Lots of deranged specialty stores like the build your own teddy bear place, too. Very Simpsons. Everyone here is rich and brittle and dumb; Fellini meets “Clueless”.

Welcome to the arnoldiverse.

My Day at the Polls [bodybuilding,bdsm,n/c,corrupt,anal,trample,nazi]

Are we governed by a nazi robot yet?

Did the Cubs lose yet?

Hey, i’m coming up on my [deleted] anniversary of no dates whatsoever! Tonight I have sushi with the One That Got Away, Mk. VII. Gosh it’s great that I’m such good friends with all the women who don’t like me quite well enough to date me. I excel at mediocrity and consolation prizes. Willy Loman, Super Genius, at your service.

The programmers are playing loud games. I guess I don’t need to work either, then. I wonder what possesses someone in an office to think that slamming things against the wall and hooting like a proboscis monkey being jacked off is appropriate.

I’m not nearly as bitter as this sounds. Had a great conversation last night with kennfusion, bruisedhips, and the_silent_one and hensatc. At least I’m not at reggiT’s office having an Enforced Ice Cream Social.

I’ll be at D’s, or maybe at Ruba later if my dinner goes long. Unrequited passion and yellowtail sashimi sometimes take more than 45 minute.

This is what happens to you when you go looking for that bad religious movie with Mr. T and Corbin Bernsen in it.

Exhibit 1: PICTURE OF JESUS IN THE CLOUDS

Exhibit 2: THE FREAKIN’ APOCALYPSE FOR KIDS. That’s right, Mr. Fisher. If Bill and I hadn’t been trying to solve the riddle of Hidden Lake, we never would have found out that Old Man Zaftig was the Devil!

Exhibit 3: PRE-WRATH AUDIOCASSETTES!

Exhibit 4: THE CRAPPY MOVIES I WAS ORIGINALLY AFTER!

Exhibit 5: ROCK POCALYPSE!!!

I’m tired now. Folks, the phrase for this is “premillenial postdispensationalism”, and that’s all I’m gonna say about that.