More Marketing Prose! DNA

This stuff is on the Extinct Beverages page, so I guess it’s gone. It was water, with a little fruit flavoring, and 5% alcohol. Yeah. Its marketing website lives on, and says:

DNA: It’s Water with an Attitude! The world’s one and only alcoholic spring water.

I AM DNA

A refreshing combination of clear spring water, natural fruit flavor, with an alcohol level of 5%.

DRINK THIS

DNA explodes onto the beverage market. The wild child of alcoholic drinks will hijack your imagination. You don’t have to understand it. Just get on the ride.

BIG OPPORTUNITY

DNA launches its asault on North America in Spring of 2000. Alternative alcohol products have been the rage of lifestyle cities around the world. Thrill seekers and tastemakers in your market are eager to try DNA. It’s an “Australian original.” Go for it…with a vengeance!

I AM SERIOUS

The combined strengths of Wet Planet Beverage and Canadaigua Brands, Inc. will lead DNA among market movers and shakers. DNA will be pumpin’ with bar & club sampling programs along with consumer promotions. A mega-cool press campaign is sure to prompt word-of-mouth and great demand!

3 thoughts on “More Marketing Prose! DNA

  1. OMG. While on that site I found “Orbitz.” Remember Orbitz?! That was SO NASTY, and now I have tears in my eyes from laughing reading their review:
    “Putting aside the globules for a moment, let’s discuss the basic taste of the syrup. You know when your mom makes frozen lemonade and she puts in one can of water too many? It somehow manages to be a nastier experience than drinking lemonade or drinking water. It’s not an average of the two as you’d expect. Orbitz is nasty on the same principle, but the base flavor is Pine Sol. You find yourself wishing they put in more Pine Sol because 1) it would taste better and 2) it would kill you.
    The globules are no walk in the park either. Let’s face it, when we were kids, we all sampled our own boogers. You know how they melt in your mouth? The wizards at Clearly Canadian have recreated this treasured childhood experience, but they have made it more nasty. Because on some deep subconscious level, we know that these boogers don’t come from our body.
    It is impossible to savor this drink because after you swallow the fluid, there are little lumps in your mouth that have to be dealt with. Your tongue is too busy trying to push them away… into your stomach, your cheeks… anything to make it another body part’s problem.
    Another thing about the pellets… they’re cold and clammy.
    The whole experience of drinking Orbitz is deeply gross in an inexplicably Hannibal Lecter-like way. You feel like you’re eating something that you have no business to be eating, like somebody’s sinus.

  2. Larazade
    That site must be centered in the US because they list Lucozade as an extinct drink, when it is possibly the most common non-cola beverage I see here in Europe and the UK especially. It’s everrrrrrrywhere.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.