Cogito emo sum

I saw someone I have a lame crush on today. Later on she was in the same area I was, but kind of away and behind things with her friends. Every time I looked over there the sun was hitting her only and making her all shiny, because she was the saint in the painting.

vickajew and I gave friendly_bandit a short walk through the geopolitics of the last 25 years, but I don’t think he was grateful. In fact, he looked like he wanted to go live under his bed afterwards, which is sort of understandable considering the material at hand.

DZ came and talked at me for a bit. He claims his health is good and he hasn’t had a seizure in over a year and a half but he looks like a corpse. He sort of talked around the huge fights he’s had with his property manager, and the fact that his aunt and uncle bailed him out of his trailer purchase. He mostly made sense but sometime the digressions were pretty hard to follow. I seriously wonder how long he has on Earth, looking at him and hearing him talk. It’s hard to watch.

When I watch a Hollywood movie, you know with a hero and heroine and villain and sidekicks., I can never put myself in the hero’s role. Even as a fantasy, I haven’t cast myself as the lead before. I’m no villain either, because Evil is just lame, nor can I be the wacky sidekick for longer than about an hour. I think I’m the sacrificial guy who eats it in the last reel so that others may live. I always sympathized with that guy, the one who gets to say “It’s too late for me. I’ll stay here. RUN!” Even if he doesn’t get whacked, he has to stay behind and deal with all the bullshit. I am Claude Rains in Casablanca, or if I’m feeling especially butch maybe Steve McQueen in The Sand Pebbles. No ride into the sunset, but if I take one for the team people will think highly of me later.

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