Tag: villainy

Attacking the darkness.

So here’s the plan. I’m going to sell Dungeons & Dragons, specifically I think “Advanced Dungeons & Dragons”, as a cult. The idea is that the D&D books, while masquerading as a game, are actually the keys to an ancient and powerful spiritual tradition. And I alone am the chosen one who has been given the burden of showing Mankind the Way. The adventures, and monsters, and character types, and spells, and all of it are Tarot-like symbols that point inward to a hermeneutic tradition that has been suppressed for five thousand years.

The (expensive) services will be of course D&D games. As the supplicant’s character increases in level, more bits of the inner truth will become apparent, or be revealed by the treasures and monsters that are encountered. Higher level characters will be given the ability to buy magic items, spells, weapons etc. The opportunities for religious consumerism will be endless here: dice, dice bags, books, etc. At a certain level, the supplicant may be invited to become a game master at a low level. And after years and years, the top level (probably 33rd as in Masonry) could be achieved, after about $150,000 and a lot of work. The mysteries of character generation, character types, alignments, and the existence of “dungeons” could be explained in stages of symbolic meaning tuned to the supplicant’s level.

So I could fuse pop culture, childhood nostalgia, Scientology, the New Age, shopping mall “wiccan” distaste for Christianity, the will to power, consumerism, multilevel marketing, geek culture, the current Tolkien mania, and every mythic tradition that D&D itself grave-robbed.

And if there’s girls there, I’m going to do them.

door to door encounter

Ding dong. Open the door. There’s a high school kid there, well-dressed. He says he’s my neighbor from “down the street”. He launches into a description of how he’s in a public communication class and they’re supposed to meet friendly, nonviolent neighbors. I smile and fake a punch. He smiles back. Then he gets to the meat of it: he’s going to go overseas to intern at the BBC but must raise funds! Here we go. He’s not selling magazines! No, this is “worse”! They’re making him sell books. Now, lots of people are “saturated with books” so what they’re doing for us book-saturated householders is allowing us to buy books for others. In this case the “kids in Intensive Care at Childrens Hospital”. The pitch arrives at “what most people are doing” which is sponsoring a boy and a girl (nice way to set up two sales).

I politely refuse; I have to cut him off to do so.

He asks “Why?” He says that this is about public communication! I respond that he’s publicly communicated very well, but he’s not getting money from me today. Again he says “Why? I just want to know, so I can improve for the next people I talk to. What could I do differently next door?”

I said “You could find someone nicer than me.” There was a pause and I smiled brightly.

“That shouldn’t be too hard,” he said. Off he trudged.

The future tipple of bitter lesbian art students everywhere

littlefrida“In cooperation with the Frida Kahlo family estate, Dorado, Pizzorni & Sons, LLC Importers is proud to announce the launch of Frida Kahlo tequila. This tequila is superior to others because it is elaborated in small batches through a 100% natural, handcrafted and traditional process. We only use the finest quality blue agaves and natural ingredients,” said Jorge Gutierrez, President of Dorado, Pizzorni & Sons, LLC.

“It has been an exciting adventure to develop and launch a product that would characterize my Aunt Frida: her love for Mexico, her strength and her passion for life. Tequila, her favorite drink, accompanied her in the greatest moments of her life,” said Kahlo’s niece, Isolda P. Kahlo. “While searching in the region of Jalisco it was a unique opportunity and a great challenge to obtain the right quality, taste and pureness that would match Frida’s expectations. Always taking care of the finest details, Frida Kahlo Tequila is a Super Premium Tequila that my family and I proudly present to the world, at the level and quality of the tequilas that Frida would definitely expect from her favorite drink.”

Initially, Frida Kahlo Tequila will be launched in three major U.S. markets, including New York, Los Angeles, and Miami, as well as in Mexico, with plans to expand nationally in 2006.

Editor’s note: Frida Kahlo was an alcoholic who drank a bottle a day of tequila. Unsurprisingly, some people are really pissed off about putting her on a liquor label. Via the always useful AdJab.

Edit: namja provides us with their inevitable ad slogan: “Tequila Frida Kahlo: It’ll put hair between your eyes.”

Hey Sony! You gonna get JAILED!

Thanks for installing malicious stealth software on people’s computers when they play CDs.

It would be a terrible shame if someone put one of their CDs into a machine that happened to control some part of the infrastructure here in the U.S. that is responsible for people’s lives, and that machine happened to fail, because then they would be guilty of industrial terrorism. And that would be bad.

If that first link above makes your eyes glaze over, a simpler version of the story can be found at the WFMU blog, where I found the story in the first place.

Don’t buy copy protected CDs. And if you happen to get one, join a class action suit. They need to get spanked hard for rootkitting people’s machines like this.