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All the dusky chocolate of mocha with the light, creamy touch of octaroon: in one nutty beverage!
The girls won’t touch me ’cause I got a misdirection.*
UGH.
*This is from a Pere Ubu song but is also true.
Scenes from the class struggle on Pacific Coast Highway, Lady Bountiful:
I was sitting in my car at a busy intersection in Huntington Beach, and a woman pulled up next to me in a giant Escalade. I looked over at her because she was flayling her arms about while she was on one of those “important” cell phone calls one has while in the car. She was blinged from here to eternity, her diamonds almost BLINDED me. Her hair was bleached, her skin was orange, and her sunglasses were Gucci. Fo shizzle.
So anyway, I am looking at this woman and she suddenly opens her car door. Like, at the light, she just opens her door.
I’m thinking, so she’s going to dump out some old water or something?
NO.
Change. I mean, she took the ashtray full of SILVER MONEY and dumped it on the ground and drove away.
MONEY.
ON THE GROUND.
LIKE TRASH.
I’m so glad our boys are over there protecting our Way of Life.
Cactus Game Design specializes in board games for the churchy. Following the rule that everything in the secular world must have a Christian knock-off, they’ve been proud to bring us Redemption: The Gathering®, which takes the nerdy card collector game a step further into evangelically sound nerdiness.
A quote from the rules:
Special abilities on sites are not affected by character or enhancement cards. New Jerusalem (Site Card), Dragon Raid, and Promised Land are mainly used offensively as “access sites” and therefore their special abilities are written to take effect when they enter battle and at no other time. All the single color sites are mainly used defensively as “lost soul sites”. The special abilities on single color sites like Nero’s Realm and Leper Colony are written to take effect when they are holding a lost soul. Therefore, if you are using an “access site” defensively or a “lost soul site” offensively the special abilities don’t activate.
From a sample game:
Kurt
Draw 3: (Servant Angel, Lewd Men, Lost Soul). Lost Soul in Land of Bondage, draw
replacement (Angel of the Lord).
Prep: Lost Soul in Tree of Knowledge site.
Battle: Rescue attempt with Angel of Revelation (8/8 silver hero). Bryon blocks with
Oppressive Women (7/7 gray evil character). The evil character is losing, so Bryon has initiative.
Bryon plays Deluge of Rain (Gray enhancement “Discard all cards in battle, including yours.”).
Kurt has no silver enhancement that can negate that effect, so all cards in battle are discarded.
This is mutual destruction by mutual removal, so no Lost Soul is rescued. The score is still tied
2 to 2.
Discard to 8: Kurt places Servant Angel, Servant Girl, and Guiding Angel in his territory.
Card image courtesy of this Flickr set from Chris Noessel.
We’re here today to celebrate each other. Let’s all have a big hand for all of us. All of you! Yeah!
I don’t like to call these “seminars”. They’re FUNinars. Because what’s the most fun in life? Succeeding. And succeeding is what we’re going to do today. I’d like you to go ahead and look at your handouts now.
The real beauty of this system is how simple and fast it is. Ordinary people in their own homes — yes, like you — can build multiple streams of income within weeks by following these simple worksheets and videos.
If you’re not interested in building wealth, if you’re not interested in becoming a millionaire, then you can just change the channel and walk away. This program is only for people who are ready for serious financial improvement in their lives today.
You can date beautiful model-quality women every week. And it’s not hard. Think I’m crazy? Think again. Relationships are a science like everything else, and any guy can learn the inside tricks and secret rules of sex today. You knew something was missing all along, didn’t you? This is it.
There are a billion business opportunities out there, and as an entrepreneur you’re going to ask yourself: which one is best for me? Well there’s one thing that everyone can agree on: Mr. Pickly’s Deli-Quik is a franchise that’s here to stay — and here to pay!
You know, this is my favorite way to play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Why? I’ll tell you why. Because everybody wins! Are you ready to win today? Are you ready to be a millionaire? Can I get a YEAH? Everyone, you’ve been awesome. There are tables at the entrances, and we’ll be coming around.
No sugar. No actual raspberries. WHAT’S IT MADE FROM? Also; “Standard Coffee Co., New Orleans”. I imagine some moss-covered 19th-century factory with an aged voudoun priestess stirring a pot of something… red. Of course it’s from 1967, when things were different. Etc. From A Sampler of Things (Mistertoast).
“Thanks” to the_silent_one for this gem. It puts me in mind of a really bad fever dream.
It pisses me off when people post warnings about DUI enforcement online. They say stuff like “take a cab tonight if you’re going towards $TOWN” or “they’re running a checkpoint at Newport & Flower, pass it on”.
How about just not driving drunk? Ever? It’s not hard to avoid. You’ll be helping your friends the best possible way by not killing and maiming them.
If you can afford to go out and drink but you somehow can’t afford to cab it home then you’re just being a fucking sociopath. Stay home and drink, okay? Helping the other sociopaths mow us all down isn’t nice.
Follow the Finger! On second thoughts, actually, don’t, as Consumerist says.
One day at Butterfinger Central, someone said: “Hey! I’ve got it! We’ll launch a website, toll-free number, and advertising campaign linking our candy with sticking your finger up someone’s ass! How can this beautiful plan fail?”
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