Experiment in herbivoracity

I’ve decided to eat less meat and consume less animal products.

All-at-once changes in habit don’t work for me, and in any case I’m not ready to become a vegetarian. But just “doing it less often” won’t work. I’m an omnivore and lazy. Failure awaits.

Instead, I have committed to one vegetarian day a week. There’s no way I can’t do that, and since it’s formalized it will be harder to screw it up.

I will probably make it a weekday, maybe Wednesday. I’ll decide next week. Today, though, was such a day. I consumed:

Coffee w/milk
A banana.
Ice tea/lemonade drink.
Salad of beets, sweet red peppers, and cucumber in a yogurt-lemon dressing with coarse black pepper
Arabian flatbread
Sweet corn soup w/black pepper
Red wine

Gin
Stoned wheat crackers
Beer
Probably more beer later

Gosh, this is going to be PAINFUL!

What does this “toy” require of us?

Give me back my filet-o-ghost

The mechanical fish wants us to return the fast-food meal consisting of dismembered and reconstituted real fish that has been fried and then frozen and then reheated and sold at a McDonalds. How are we to respond? Is this a Scrooge/Marley scenario? Is the mechanical fish a vengeful ghost? Can we “give back” this item to the mechanical revenge ghost fish in any way that is meaningful? Why won’t it shut up? How did we get to this place? SHIELD ME FROM THE FISH

Try our fleshpot lover’s fleshpizza!

I, doll, a tree.

Admittedly it’s not as good as the actual “Christian Idol” contest, but it’s still a win. Please assume all jokes about “extra golden calf” to have been made.

Bonus points for “Superbowl Syndrome” in which the pizza company can’t actually say “American Idol” because that’s an owned phrase, so they have to somehow push the concept of idolatry itself through warm disc foods.

SPAM DU JOUR

SHARPSHOOTING? VINEGAR BIG HOLE? SIGN ME THE HELL UP!

6 Ed Frimercat,

Dcho 39-40,

08040 MERCABARNA, BARCELONA.

Telephone +34 972330808,Fax +34 972336453

Goodday,

Abaco Fish Limited is a Global Seafood Enterprise based in Spain. Abaco Fish SL has been a company formed by experienced people in the fish industry. Some of them come from centennial companies of the branch, installed for 150 years. Others with 40 years of experience in the international trade of fish and seafood, inclusively having being a principal contributor in the formation and commercial takeoff of Spanish sharpshooting companies. Also we were pioneering in 1971 and 1972 in the product packaging finished for its sale in great surfaces, as they were the first trays of clean sepia, lenguados, and producers of vinegar big hole, etc.

Originally starting out in the Food Additive Industry, the company became swiftly involved in plenty of other segments and is continuously adopting new challenges. Besides the trading business, it has identified the necessity to offer special services to Western companies that wish to engage themselves into activities in Spain but do not have the rights contacts, language abilities and/or time to get this accomplished themselves.

It is upon this note that we are writing you to seek your assistance in representing our company in your locality as our Regional Manager. Note that as a regional manager of our company, you will be entitled to a basic salary of $60,000 United States Dollars a year and 5% bonus of any amount you receive from customers on behalf of the company as payments for sales and outstanding debts on goods that they buy.

As a regional manager of our company, your primary functions are as follows:

1. Maintanance of a sales office. The company will be responsible for all costs including phone and other expenses, and the setting up of the office in your region.

2. Assume responsibility for all sales office.

3. Lastly, contacting clients on behalf of the company who are ready to make payments or wanting to pay for products they purchase from the company.

To facilitate this transaction if accepted, do send us promptly, the following:

1. Your Full Names

2. Present Occupation/Position

3. Contact address

4. Telephone number,Fax and e-mail contact.

5. Age.

Thanks for your time and anticipation to work with Abaco Ltd.

Sincerely Yours,

Torndaro Parkins

Bob Trout’s Patented Landlord Revenge Method

To be used only as a last resort if evicted by or fleeing a truly evil landlord. Note: extremely illegal; may result in fines or imprisonment. Not endorsed by anyone sane.

Freeze 2 lbs ground meat.

Place frozen ground meat in five or so concentric zip-lock freezer bags. Make hole in wall large enough to admit bagged frozen meat.

Place meat in hole.

Plaster and paint over hole so that it appears to be just fine.

Move out.

Roughly six months later a damp explosion occurs, causing a stench that no man can smell and live, and requiring the destruction of the apartment.