Quatorze Juillet

It reliably crushes even two cloves at once. You don’t have to keep cleaning it as you use it. And when you’re done, you swing out the grate and put it under the tap and rinse it off, done. None of that “is all the garlic out yet?” stuff, and it doesn’t have one of those plastic “cleaner” thingies that will promptly get lost. HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

WHAT ARE WE DOING? WE’RE GOING TO FORGET THINGS. THEY DON’T FUCKING HAVE PEPPER.

There was a schizophrenic woman at Mother’s Market today.

She was in her sixties and had a husband with her who was very quiet. She was not quiet at all. She galumphed about yelling.

WHERE IS THE PEPPER? HEY, YOU GOTTA TELL ME. HORSE COCK! I WANT PEPPER, LIKE RAW PEPPER, LIKE YOU GRIND. NOT CHILI PEPPERS. YOU SILLY GOOSE! YOU’RE ALL WRONG! WRONG! YOU GUYS DON’T HAVE PEPPER? YOU GOTTA HAVE PEPPER. WHAT THE FUCK. SOMEONE HERE HAS TO SPEAK ENGLISH, HEY DO YOU?

I told her that the pepper was around the corner in the aisle that said “Spices.”

THANK YOU SO DAMN MUCH. SOMEONE HERE IS WILLING AND ABLE. GOD BLESS YOU. THANK YOU.

She ambled off with husband in tow. Didn’t get far before she started galumphing and yelling. About ten feet from the spice aisle she was broadcasting again.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS. WE’RE GOING TO FORGET WHY WE CAME AND JUST LEAVE OR SOMETHING. COME ON, WHERE ARE WE GOING, WHAT ARE WE DOING? PEPPER, YOU KNOW. HEY DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN GET JUST RAW PEPPER, BLACK.

She was pointed to the spice aisle several more times (twice by me) and eventually achieved her goal.

In the checkout line more trouble awaited her.

SIX DOLLARS AND SEVENTY CENTS? YOU ARE KIDDING ME. I CAN AFFORD IT BUT I WON’T PAY IT. I AM GOING TO HAVE TO REMOVE SOME THINGS. YOU ARE A KIDDER, YOU’RE A SCAMMER. YOU ARE SCAMMING ME, RIGHT?

The cashier grinned and said “Nope. It’s just the price, look there.”

After a few more trips around the catch phrases she paid and toddled out with quiet husband still in tow.

The funny thing about her was that despite the yelling and grousing and disorientation and more yelling and occasional insults, she was clearly not only harmless but cheerful, and obviously thought of herself as friendly. The funnier thing was that everyone seemed to grasp this and no one was mad at her. In fact, she left friendly smiles in her wake the whole way.

The news

This morning my phonepagerthing beeped with a message from emergencyemail.org: Bird flu in Canada, second case. That seemed appropriate. Their mission is to send me things like fire and flood warnings, DHS freakouts, declarations of war, and other items of urgent and frightening interest, and I think bird flu on the same continent as me is a good call.

I then went to my email and saw a CNN News Alert in my inbox. I figured it was the same thing and clicked. Nope: Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to be cited for failure to wear a helmet, not having a proper license at time of his June 12 accident.

I looked at CNN’s home page. Nothing at all about bird flu there. I went to Google’s News home page: nothing about bird flu on the home page. A search came up with ~130 stories, most of them about exactly what the emergency email people paged me with: two cases of bird flu in North America.

I wonder if there were actually direct threats from poultry producers to news organizations, or just the implied one of advertising loss? Because this kind of thing doesn’t happen by accident.

THE SUGAR BEET HAS GONE INSANE

Rhizomania, also called “root madness” or “crazy root,” has caused significant losses in root and sugar yield. […] The most obvious symptom of rhizomania is a mass of fine, hairy secondary roots that consists of a mixture of dead and healthy roots. […] The disease is so infectious that even a few grams of infected soil can eventually spread to infect entire fields.
crazy root

Le Marin Butter Porn Session

GOATEIN part 2

gote

Yep. Goatein™.

“A unique blend of goat’s milk protein made with goat’s milk colostrum.”

“Predigested” gives me the mental image of the mother goat flying back to the nest, where she perches on the edge, opens her beak, and regurgitates into the baby goats’ welcoming mouths. Sorry for the wide distribution.

I guess it’s just a protein that some health food people like, but not from cows.

More Marketing Prose! DNA

This stuff is on the Extinct Beverages page, so I guess it’s gone. It was water, with a little fruit flavoring, and 5% alcohol. Yeah. Its marketing website lives on, and says:

DNA: It’s Water with an Attitude! The world’s one and only alcoholic spring water.

I AM DNA

A refreshing combination of clear spring water, natural fruit flavor, with an alcohol level of 5%.

DRINK THIS

DNA explodes onto the beverage market. The wild child of alcoholic drinks will hijack your imagination. You don’t have to understand it. Just get on the ride.

BIG OPPORTUNITY

DNA launches its asault on North America in Spring of 2000. Alternative alcohol products have been the rage of lifestyle cities around the world. Thrill seekers and tastemakers in your market are eager to try DNA. It’s an “Australian original.” Go for it…with a vengeance!

I AM SERIOUS

The combined strengths of Wet Planet Beverage and Canadaigua Brands, Inc. will lead DNA among market movers and shakers. DNA will be pumpin’ with bar & club sampling programs along with consumer promotions. A mega-cool press campaign is sure to prompt word-of-mouth and great demand!