WHAT ARE WE DOING? WE’RE GOING TO FORGET THINGS. THEY DON’T FUCKING HAVE PEPPER.

There was a schizophrenic woman at Mother’s Market today.

She was in her sixties and had a husband with her who was very quiet. She was not quiet at all. She galumphed about yelling.

WHERE IS THE PEPPER? HEY, YOU GOTTA TELL ME. HORSE COCK! I WANT PEPPER, LIKE RAW PEPPER, LIKE YOU GRIND. NOT CHILI PEPPERS. YOU SILLY GOOSE! YOU’RE ALL WRONG! WRONG! YOU GUYS DON’T HAVE PEPPER? YOU GOTTA HAVE PEPPER. WHAT THE FUCK. SOMEONE HERE HAS TO SPEAK ENGLISH, HEY DO YOU?

I told her that the pepper was around the corner in the aisle that said “Spices.”

THANK YOU SO DAMN MUCH. SOMEONE HERE IS WILLING AND ABLE. GOD BLESS YOU. THANK YOU.

She ambled off with husband in tow. Didn’t get far before she started galumphing and yelling. About ten feet from the spice aisle she was broadcasting again.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS. WE’RE GOING TO FORGET WHY WE CAME AND JUST LEAVE OR SOMETHING. COME ON, WHERE ARE WE GOING, WHAT ARE WE DOING? PEPPER, YOU KNOW. HEY DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN GET JUST RAW PEPPER, BLACK.

She was pointed to the spice aisle several more times (twice by me) and eventually achieved her goal.

In the checkout line more trouble awaited her.

SIX DOLLARS AND SEVENTY CENTS? YOU ARE KIDDING ME. I CAN AFFORD IT BUT I WON’T PAY IT. I AM GOING TO HAVE TO REMOVE SOME THINGS. YOU ARE A KIDDER, YOU’RE A SCAMMER. YOU ARE SCAMMING ME, RIGHT?

The cashier grinned and said “Nope. It’s just the price, look there.”

After a few more trips around the catch phrases she paid and toddled out with quiet husband still in tow.

The funny thing about her was that despite the yelling and grousing and disorientation and more yelling and occasional insults, she was clearly not only harmless but cheerful, and obviously thought of herself as friendly. The funnier thing was that everyone seemed to grasp this and no one was mad at her. In fact, she left friendly smiles in her wake the whole way.

15 thoughts on “WHAT ARE WE DOING? WE’RE GOING TO FORGET THINGS. THEY DON’T FUCKING HAVE PEPPER.

  1. We used to have this customer who was really mean and grousy, always frowning, blurting, dissing. I’d just about started to hate her when I suddenly concluded that she probably had Tourette’s Syndrome, which made me both sympathetic and appreciative. Right around that time, she stopped cussing and started smiling occasionally. I was almost disappointed.

  2. I am much more curious about the husband, I need details!
    a. “Yes dear”
    b. “That’s my Dora, chuckle”
    c. “J.D. in the toolbox… J.D. in the toolbox… J.D. in the toolbox…”
    c. “I’m snipping them off this weekend with those shears her pig mother got me for my frickin’ birthday”

    1. that’s entirely possible. someone who seemed to know her said she was suffering from schizophrenia, but that’s not a good standard of evidence. or hey, maybe both! sometimes life is bountiful.

      1. I’m way interested in this stuff, obsessed probably, because of my own crazy, and family, and husband, etc.. The speech you wrote, combined with the demeanor you described… seems more like autism than schiz, but it’s only very recently that how autism presents in females is being more understood. (and Tourette’s, most likely, is a function of the same unique brain wiring as autism).
        anyway, the above is just because I think I’m on to something, but I also know it’s sorta ridiculous to think that. just maybe thinking you are interested in that stuff, too.

      2. I am just as interested as you, for similar reasons. I’ve always been impressed with the fact that schizophrenia isn’t really a diagnosis, or certainly not one of the quality of, say, collarbone fracture. And autism isn’t much better. I’m so hoping that we get some more fine-grained information in the next decade.

  3. Those are the kind of experiences that give us something interesting to write about in our journals. πŸ™‚
    I’m curious, what sort of work do you do?

    1. I’m a system administrator. Meaning I set up and run the computers and networks that make websites happen. Internet Roadie.

      1. Whoa… The more I ask this question of people that seem the most interesting, the more I notice this line of work. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t have chosen sys admin for a career path. Gah.

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