The Swiss Cheese Falcon

We’re about six weeks into the Great Swiss Cheese Shortage Mystery of 2008. Seriously the supermarkets around here have no swiss cheese.

The fancier places have better ‘swiss cheese’ and Gruyere, ComtĂ©, etc. But the big box supermarkets just don’t have it. Not in blocks, not sliced, not shredded.

Did a Swiss Cheese Container Ship sink? Are the Swiss Cheese Truckers on strike? WTF Kroger?

cheshire madness

I was about to post that alcohol, even in small quantities, is a gateway drug for cheese.

Then I realized that I was in a deep state of denial and cheese was, in fact, a primary pathology in my life. Isn’t that great news?

Anyway I am enjoying some Double Gloucester right now.

You keep using that cheese. I do not think it’s cheese like you think it’s cheese.


  1. 100 Years of Innovation: Pasteurized Process Cheese Food.
  2. Attach ripe olive slice, cut in half, to driver’s head, using dab of CHEEZ WHIZ, to form “smile.” Cut remaining half of olive slice crosswise in half for the “eyebrows.” Attach remaining 2 pretzel sticks to both sides of little weiner for the “arms.”
  3. Q: Why is EASY CHEESE called Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product instead of Pasteurized Cheese Spread?
    A: Product differences or what is often referred to as standard of identity are determined by government regulations. Government regulations determine particular guidelines a product must meet in order to give a product its name. In July 2003 we changed the standard of identity , so the name of the product had to be changed from Pasteurized Cheese Spread to Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product. Although the name has changed, the product still has the same great taste you’ve come to enjoy.

    Q: Why was the Real Seal removed from the packaging of EASY CHEESE?
    A: You probably already know that the dairy industry uses the Real Seal to differentiate between genuine dairy products and imitations. While we support this effort, we can’t justify the cost of adopting the Real Seal program across all our product lines.

  4. Our Cheezy Military
  5. Triscuit® Cottage:
    PLACE 4 RITZ crackers in square on flat surface. Using 4 TRISCUIT Crackers for walls, assemble walls on cracker base, sealing seams with cheese snack.
    CUT 1 TRISCUIT Cracker diagonally in half to form 2 triangles. Use 2 TRISCUIT triangles for roof support and 2 remaining TRISCUIT Crackers for roof, sealing seams with cheese snack.
    OUTLINE windows and door with cheese snack. Decorate with candies and chocolate chips as desired.

  6. So, what the hell is this crap, anyway? (American Chemical Society)
  7. Easy Cheese: How Much Is Inside? (
  8. The future: bubblegum cheese, an explosion in the tube-snack industry,

The back of loaf

  1. Silver Spoon Considered Harmful.
  2. Massive Fandom Wank containing the phrase “fandom unity luncheon” somewhere in it. Jesus H. Christ.
  3. Abstain from sex; win fries.
  4. List of unusual deaths (Wikipedia).
  5. I refuse to believe that smllr is a real service. Only John Waters can do Smell-O-Vision anyway.
  6. Doom awaits kitchen gadget lovers: Sur La Table is having a big sale.
  7. How does this violinist make weird subharmonic noises?

For the Cheese Crew: Head… Injury… REPORT!

A teenager who knocked himself out while chasing a Double Gloucester cheese down a hill was among 25 people hurt in a Cheese Rolling competition.

Chris Anderson, 18, won one of the five races which make up the annual contest, in which dozens of people race down a 1:2 gradient hill after a large cheese.

St John Ambulance workers at the race, on Coopers Hill in Brockworth, said two people were taken to hospital.

One spectator was given treatment after being hit by a runaway cheese…

area man survives social event

I went to a party last night and it wasn’t a failure!

This is good, because parties have traditionally either totally alienated me, or hyped me up followed by a nasty crash afterwards. At this one I just had conversations with some nice, interesting people and then went home and went to bed.

There were musician guys there with rock ‘n’ roll hair but they were the thoughtful and well-educated kind and not yahoos. People were interested in ideas and things, and no one got sloppy drunk and in my face. Also, my Enron shirt was a hit.

It occurs to me that the resilience I’m acquiring through NFB is useful in these social situations so I am not one large nerve and I don’t get weird blowback effects afterwards.

Oh, and there was Stilton with apricot in it.

I did have one embarrassing moment when I introduced myself to someone who’d introduced himself about 45 minutes before. Fortunately I could tell this was a cognitive effect of treatment since it was so unusual, and he was interested in the explanation rather than totally offended.

And now, photo time.