Author: substitute

nope

UNCRUSTABLE

My mother was reading me an article the other day about how American portion sizes in meals are getting out of control, etc., and kids are fatter. Apparently that ridiculous “serving size” you see on things like bags of chips is about what you thought it was; a polite fiction.

One example in the article was these terrifying things, which prove that as a nation we are now incapable of making our own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

According to a scientist friend of mine, the terminology for diabetes has now changed; a common diagnosis now is “teenage-onset diabetes” for kids who get the ailment soon after puberty due to being li’l tubs of lard.

Maybe we should do what the last truly Great Empire did and install vomitoria for our corpulent citizenry. I’ll hold your hair back if you hold mine!

Some of my moments of fame

Near the end of my short career as a rock crit guy, I scored with an interview published in one of the great magazines, since departed.

They appear to be reviving, God bless ’em. And I get a warm fuzzy by seeing it on the web.

Although people are less likely to remember me from the Los Angeles Reader in ’86/’87 than they are to recognize me while watching a Rhino video, due to my acting career. RHINO ROCKS MY WORLD!

Plate O’Shrimp

I am being pursued through my day by the phrase “Sack Of Frogs”.

1) Radio ad for the Orange County Fair has a grizzled old prospector cowboy voice yelling “IT’S MORE FUN THAN A SACK O’FROGS!”

2) Ad for some car has jokey voiced announcer voice say “claiming stuff like that attracts attorneys like biology students to a sack of frogs!”

I await my meeting with the Repo Man, the aliens, and the scary CIA lady with the metal hand.

items

1) At the airport in International Arrivals yesterday, the big board listed flights coming in from all over: London, Taipei, Paris, etc. And two flights from different airlines both arriving from POSITIONAL. WTF? Is their departure city being determined by the position of the Earth? Or are they arriving from TIMECUBE-ALIEN-ALGEBRAIC-ALCHEMICAL-POSITIONAL-VORTEXNINE or something?

2) I shouted out “Who killed the Kennedys” when you all knew it was you and me.

3) I have been trying to read the book Fast Food Nation which has all kinds of juicy (ha) horrible muckraking stuff in it about fast food. It’s almost unreadable, though, because the author is a standard model left wing radical who cannot stop weaving everything into a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy that Proves It’s All a Plot by the Money Elite. John Wayne has to be involved, and Ollie North, etc. Overstating the case hurts the real point, which is that human evil and stupidity have produced some really shitty food.

4) I’ve got an uncontrollable urge (he’s got an uncontrollable urge.)

5) Carr’s Table Water Biscuits taste just like waffle style ice cream cones if you eat them right after a shot of Patron Silver Tequila.