Tag: tv

The stripes were of course horizontal

A couple of weeks ago I turned on the TV and stared into it for a few hours. It’s not my favorite medium, but occasionally I get this urge to watch real crap TV, the equivalent of stale Twinkies.

So, of course, I was watching “reality.” In this case, it was one of the many Cops-type police “reality” shows. This one was done in the cheapest possible way. All the footage was taken from the video cameras in cop cars that record vehicle stops. I assume this film was all either free or for a nominal charge since it’s in the public domain. They had that loud asshole ex-cop guy as the “host”, the one who does this on half these shows, but only voiceover. They weren’t going to pay him screen time.

Most of it was typical “greatest hits of the car cam” stuff. Guy pulls over and runs away. Guy fights cop. Guy is real drunk. And then, suddenly, beauty.

The cop was chasing this beat up ol’ truck who wouldn’t pull over. The announcer, in a fit of tragic irony, mentioned several times that the cop didn’t know this guy had just been cheated on by his wife and was being all crazy and stuff. Chase fun ensued, and finally the guy pulled over. Then he wouldn’t get out of the car. So far this was typical crap.

Then of course he tried to back into the cop and there was lots of stuff in reverse and yelling. Finally he got out of the car but clearly wanted a fight. He charged the cop and they grappled,

Whoo! Out of nowhere came another car which screeched to a halt. A guy got out of the car and joined the fight helping the cop. The announcer informed us that this was a heroic retired cop helping a brother in need. However, things weren’t going well for our heroes, since Angry Man was big, and really angry. This is when the beauty occurred.

Another car arrived and out burst A REALLY FAT MAN IN A RED AND WHITE STRIPED SHIRT AND A BIG SILLY HAT WITH A TASSEL ON IT! This man came roaring out of the left frame, grappled Angry Man, and then fell on top of him, immobilizing him. Cop & Bro were able to cuff Angry Man.

I swear this guy looked like Where’s Waldo with Obelix’s build. He was Comic Fat Man from Central Casting. He obviously gets up this morning and says “Time to put on my comic fat guy suit!”

Big Fat Guy in Striped Shirt needs his own shoe. Every week, the kids or the cops at the precinct will get in a big jam, and things will look pretty bad, and then BLAMMO! Outa fucking nowhere comes Big Fat Guy in a Striped Shirt and Silly Hat and saves the day! If possible he should save said day by falling on stuff, leaning on stuff, sitting on stuff, or otherwise using gravity and mass to his advantage. He could fall out of closets Fibber McGee style or roll down hills, or even crash through the ceiling.

I like Fat Guy in a Striped Shirt. I hope he shows up if I’m ever in trouble.

If you’re ready to succeed, then success is ready for you.

We’re here today to celebrate each other. Let’s all have a big hand for all of us. All of you! Yeah!

I don’t like to call these “seminars”. They’re FUNinars. Because what’s the most fun in life? Succeeding. And succeeding is what we’re going to do today. I’d like you to go ahead and look at your handouts now.

The real beauty of this system is how simple and fast it is. Ordinary people in their own homes — yes, like you — can build multiple streams of income within weeks by following these simple worksheets and videos.

If you’re not interested in building wealth, if you’re not interested in becoming a millionaire, then you can just change the channel and walk away. This program is only for people who are ready for serious financial improvement in their lives today.

You can date beautiful model-quality women every week. And it’s not hard. Think I’m crazy? Think again. Relationships are a science like everything else, and any guy can learn the inside tricks and secret rules of sex today. You knew something was missing all along, didn’t you? This is it.

There are a billion business opportunities out there, and as an entrepreneur you’re going to ask yourself: which one is best for me? Well there’s one thing that everyone can agree on: Mr. Pickly’s Deli-Quik is a franchise that’s here to stay — and here to pay!

You know, this is my favorite way to play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Why? I’ll tell you why. Because everybody wins! Are you ready to win today? Are you ready to be a millionaire? Can I get a YEAH? Everyone, you’ve been awesome. There are tables at the entrances, and we’ll be coming around.

Rasputin is a truck.

truck

There is one achievement of the last century that will stand without a doubt, and that is the 1980s era Toyota minitruck. In this Google video you see this greatness made manifest, as Jeremy Clarkson and crew do their best to destroy a 100,000 mile+ former farm truck with impact, seawater, fire, and other things.

Every broke person I hung out with in the 80s and early 90s drove one of these things. I’d buy one today. pbd had one that later the_silent_one had too. That was a 1980, wasn’t it? Greg’s was an ’88 and he put 100,000 miles of L.A. messenger/courier work on it before he sold it. The Chadian army blew up Libyan tanks with them. They. Will. Not. Die.

Is the Tacoma still that good, I wonder?

photo essay: The National Clandestine Service

It was announced yesterday that the new National Clandestine Service, which will oversee our nation’s spying, will be headed by an unknown individual who will be known only as “José”. Immediately I heard flamenco music in my head, saw the shimmering heat of a Mexican town at the turn of the century, heard hoofbeats. A masked hero was racing to save us: ¡Zorro! However, given the track record of this administration, I doubt we’ll get Don Diego.

Here’s what we want:

Here’s what we more realistically should hope for:

And here’s what we’ll get:

Why I do not live in the country

torgo_x calls my attention to THE DEVIL’S OWN TELEVISION NETWORK, which has such programs as:

Jasper the Mule (“The best thing I can do for mules and donkeys is to introduce them to children in a positive way.”)

Classic Tractor Fever (“When the tractor owner pointed out the unique charac- teristics of the engine, the red eye of the camera focused on the engine. If the tractor featured steel lugs rather than rubber tires, the video focused on the lugs. And so on.”)

And of course Polka America with Jimmy Sturr: