Classic patio scene.

Sitting at the bar next to A.J. and talking with Michelle, bla bla, half-reading a book.

In walks this woman who is so hot as to cause a readjustment of the Universal Hotness Index, one flaming screaming hot PIECE OF ASS, probably about 19 years old. I skip a few beats from pure lust, and A.J. notices. He turns around back and says “Holy shit.” I smile at her nervously, she smiles back in a very pleasant way and goes back out.

A.J. says “Dude! That was for YOU!”

“She is seven years old,” I reply.

After a few more conversations and 100 pages of reading, I head to my car. Miss. Jesus H. Christ My Spleen Just Exploded With Lust From Looking at You is sitting with Tommy “Aloysius” Dougherty, who has been “39” for ten years or so. He’s being all artistic, and soulful, and poetical, and shit.

Didn’t I see this same exact scene in 1996? And every weekend since?

Wait, does it go in your EAR?

I’m sure most of you have seen this because it was on boingboing, etc., but a number of people I saw tonight hadn’t: The Sex Machines Next Door is an amazing article and even more amazing pictures of homebrew sex machines that various residents of America Fuck Yeah! have created.

The Popular Mechanics can-do spirit meets Edward Gorey’s The Curious Sofa. Pocketa pocketa pocketa. Wait, where do you sit? How does that even… Oh MAN no WAY!

The Wired article references a new book. Fascinating.

Also, wait wait wait. That thing moves HOW? And you’re on the GARAGE FLOOR?

Unbearable

The always useful and entertaining Maciej Ceglowski explains better than I ever could exactly how hard The Unbearable Lightness of Being sucks. “The Dave Matthews of Slavic Letters” is just about perfect. It’s a dumb, trashy book.

But he fortunately doesn’t stop there. The rest of the article provides a guide to the best in Slavic dating literature! Including one of my personal favorites, The Good Soldier Svejk.

But if you really still just need to get laid, the Kundera is there for you. The cock has its reasons than the mind knows not of.

Tragicomedy gold: How to Date White Women

Courtesy Anna Pirhana, here’s an Amazon listing for How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men, a very important book for “Asian” men, which I assume refers to United States residents of East Asian descent and not to Sri Lankans, Uighurs, or Kashmiris. Amazon’s “Better Together” suggestion is surprisingly apropos: they recommend The Complete Asshole’s Guide to Handling Chicks as an ideal companion volume.

The best review of this book is by Crazy Ed from Cupertino, who says:

I personally found the book lacking, in what I like to call “chutzpah”. I gave this book to a friend who needed some help and the “step-by-step guide” provided in this tome is anything but. In many cases he found the steps to be nebulous, ambagious, and even geared towards the derelict reader. The book, as a whole, was definitely not multifarious. I would not extol this literary work.

Thanks for the tip there, Ed. I like my racist sex advice books to be multifarious and loaded with “chutzpah”, and I wouldn’t buy anything you didn’t extol.

People who considered this book were apparently also interested in How to Date Young Women: For Men over 35 vol II (Advanced Skills), which begs the question of what the first volume left out, and what kind of “advanced skills” might be necessary for us over-35 guys to get us some young tender flesh. Maybe the advanced volume tells us how to get two young girlfriends, or how to get away with dating high school girls and not end up in jail or dead, or how to date your own children. I’m sure I should stick to Volume I as a first step, though. You have to learn slowly from the Master.

In the radio hobbies they warn you about this kind of thing.

Area Man Jams Cop Radios, Goes To Slammer.

Best quote:

Mitra testified the Nov. 11 episodes were accidental transmissions that occurred when two wires rubbed against themselves and the transmitter. He said the sex sounds were broadcast because he was listening to them on a loop in his bedroom, and when he heard them on a police scanner and realized what happened, he threw the transmitter away.

The New Face of Prostitution, 2005

On Myspace:

hey i no you prolly don’t know me, maybe you do, i thought i had a message from you once, anyways i was just lookin up on profiles and thought you were hot. I totally like older guys than me its cool.. I am drinkin so forgive me if i am ramblin but yea, so add me as a friend, or lets chat on my webcam if you want, its free, you can get there from my profile. What is up? You not going out? lets party lol

or maybe some paracetamol

  1. Don’t mess with Icelandic women: On October 24 1975, 90% of Iceland’s women refused to work, cook or look after children.
  2. Don’t mess with Japanese guys: A Japanese man was so enraged by an acquaintance’s failure to address him with an honorific that he stabbed the man to death with an umbrella.. It was the second killing with an umbrella in Japan in less than a month.
  3. Neurofeedback techniques are being used with music now too.

Today’s Craigslist W4M Post

http://orangecounty.craigslist.org/w4m/105366631.html

<3<3<3Down Ass/Classy Chick-Wants 2Hang Out W/ Some 1 Down as Her<3
Reply to: anon-105366631@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-10-20, 1:53AM PDT

Little about me…….
I am 20 years old, very sweet, honest and outgoing, very mature for my
age…… I love to go to the gym, although my body doesn't need it LOL, just wanna be healthy. I am a very petitte girl, Nationalities are Caucasian,some Indian<- which keeps me nice and tan. 5'6",115lbs, I have green eyes, black and blonde streaked hair, just had Breast Aug…. Humm I LOVE UFC fighting!!!! I love Tattoo's!!! Crazy, Outgoing, Down ass guys… I am soooo into CARS, love to go to Car and Truck shows…… umm Street Bikes, woo hoo ;), I was in a Street bike accident 6 weeks ago….. Still love them and wanna ride !!!! I like to lay on the beach and relax, and listen to the water and possibly fall asleep, lol. I love to rollerblade along the boardwalk at the beach. I love cooking, making breakfast, lunch, dinner, and baking!!! I am a very down to earth girl, I like to make it a joke to say that I am a down ass B*tch, LOL…..I am looking for some cool friends,NOT interested in "hook ups", or sex, or a relationship. I am newly (4 ) months out of being engaged for 2 years, and not willing to give myself to just anyone. Of course If I meet that right person, then its different 🙂 … Well anyway, I guess thats a little about me, sounds like im a crazy girl… Im just well rounded, how I like others. Im very classy sexy, and I want someone the same 🙂 Sexy, sexy ONLY for who I am with…. but kick back too.

Anyways.. PS…. I do have pictures…..
I have experienced some people that were not who they said they were and def. wasn't the person in the pic.. I AM WEIRY, AND FREAKED OUT!!!!!! DONT NEED STALKERS FOR REAL …