In no particular order:

“Revive Lupercalia instead. Don’t forget the goat and dog sacrifice!”

“Sex at the zoo!”

“Ironic ‘my funny valentine party’ wherein we all get drunk and make warped, disgusting cards for each other.”

“Book table for 2 @Spago, act disappointed when 2nd party is no show, enjoy dinner, leave backpack bomb under table, dash out on check, enjoy explosion from safe distance.”

The list is here at the poll results.

“Other” was the winner by a long shot, followed by “Spasmodic, bonobo-like masturbation”, “Pure bitter bile, straight no chaser”, and “Transgressive BDSM orgy with harem of doe-eyed, slinky ingenues”.

That last one does sound awesome but presents logistical difficulties. The first one is easy enough, though. Why if I had a dollar for…