I don’t think “porkulent” is even a proper word.

I’m on call, the system for which I’m responsible blows up and needs restarting about every 2 hours, and it’s not getting fixed any time soon. This is similar to having a baby without the poo but also without the promise of a future. If this goes on all night tonight I am going to be Lieutenant Colonel Grumpy Q. Asshole of the Royal Annoyance Force tomorrow.

I genuinely like prunes. You’re not supposed to, because they’re funny (P sound, associated with shitting and old people). But I really like them.

I saw two Bentley coupés, a Ferrari 612 Scaglietta, a Lamborghini Gallardo, and a Maserati Quattroporte on the road today. The wealth around here is approaching Kuwaiti levels. As a spectator sport it’s fascinating. I saw the larval form of a soccer mom today at Trader Joe’s. She was about 19, probably an OCC or Vanguard student, fake ‘n’ bake tan, very skinny, pants slipping off hips, Hollister sweatshirt. She was purchasing three bottles of tequila, eight avocados, and an energy bar. She left in a late model BMW two-door.

The kids working for minimum at the fast food joint I went to were so genuinely friendly, upbeat, and competent that it broke my heart, after seeing her zoom off into her perfect life.

Would you rather always be right, or always get the truth?

There is a disease called pseudopseudohyperparathyroidism and it is not hyphenated.

  1. Hey Stuart! Carlos has some competition. WFMU presents some serious puppet speedmetal action. This is seriously the most metal thing I’ve seen in forever.
  2. Via robotwisdom, this scopitone video circa 1965 suggests that some mixture of martinis and curare was a recreational drug then. Holy cow. More of the same at scopitones.com also.
  3. Let’s sprinkle tiny spy sensors all over the place! It’ll be cool!
  4. It had to happen. After all, the Clash have action figures now. This kind of marketing is stupid and contagious.
  5. As Bob Trout would say: “I was in the Navy. No boats. Lots of guns and helicopters.”
  6. What’s funnier than an increasingly oppressive, authoritarian society? I’ll tell you what! Banning high school students from doing a play written to criticize the last oppressive, authoritarian mess we had 50 years ago, that’s what! An iron curtain has fallen over Fulton, Missouri…
  7. I’m not sure, but it looks like Tom Stoppard has had some kind of disabling stroke.

Lionel Hutz meets Sideshow Bob in Rapetown

cavalloDefense lawyer/supervillain/accused bailbond fraudster Joseph Cavallo is included in a lawsuit by the Jane Doe victim in the Haidl Gang-Rape Case. He’s responded as expected; with threats and hints of blackmail. Meanwhile, it’s clear that L.A. Times’ columnist Dana Parsons has completely and permanently disgraced himself with his coverage. I know that columnists are more “personal” in their approach than daily news journalists, but letting your seething misogyny ruin analysis of a gang rape case that highlights the bizarre world of Orange County wealthy teens and reveals corruption and collusion all the way to the top of County government is… lame.

But back to Cavallo. Clearly, if he’s included in this lawsuit, then that little bitch is going to find out what happens when you fuck with Joe Cavallo! Why, he’s going to tell the ENTIRE SCHOOL what a SLUT she is, and she’ll never get to have lunch with the popular girls again! Dude, she was raped with a Snapple bottle and she’s after blood. I don’t think you can do much worse to her now. Go ahead and release your terrible revenge upon the town of Springfield.

Attorney vows SoCal sex assault victim will regret suing him

ASSOCIATED PRESS

1:50 a.m. March 20, 2006

SANTA ANA – The attorney for one of three young men sentenced to prison for the videotaped sexual assault of an unconscious teenage girl vows that the victim and her family will regret naming him as a defendant in a $26 million civil lawsuit.

“They’re going to rue the day they brought me into this case,” said Joseph G. Cavallo, who represented Gregory Haidl, son of a former Orange County assistant sheriff.

Haidl, 20, and co-defendants Keith Spann and Kyle Nachreiner, both 21, were sentenced earlier this month to six years in state prison stemming from the July 2002 incident.

The civil lawsuit filed in December by the victim, now 20, names as defendants her attackers, Cavallo and two defense investigators, John Warren and Shawn Smigel.

The victim, known only as Jane Doe, alleges that Cavallo and the investigators harassed and intimidated her by staking out her Rancho Cucamonga house, improperly obtaining her medical records and revealing her identity, among other things.

“We’re taking these people to task about what they did,” said her attorney, Sheldon Lodmer. “They crossed the line in terms of appropriate legal defense.”

Cavallo said he did nothing wrong. He denied Jane Doe’s claim that investigators screamed out her name at her new school and said they had to stake out her home to serve her parents with court papers.

He characterized the lawsuit as “revenge” and said that during the civil trial, his defense will include bringing up new information about Jane Doe’s past.

“By the time I get done with Jane Doe, the case won’t be worth $10. I know more about Jane Doe than her lawyer and her family,” Cavallo said.

Haidl, Spann and Nachreiner were convicted last year of 15 felony counts for sexually assaulting the then-16-year-old victim with lighted cigarettes, a pool cue, a Snapple bottle and a juice can as she lay nude and unconscious on a pool table at the home of Haidl’s father, who was not present.

During the criminal trial, Cavallo and other defense attorneys portrayed the victim as an emotionally troubled, promiscuous, would-be porn star who faked unconsciousness on the tape.

Lodmer said he anticipated Cavallo would attack his client.

“I’m sure he will use this opportunity, and she’s ready to stand up to it,” Lodmer said.

notes from underwear

Food note: Today I rediscovered the beauty of a whole fat fresh scallion sautéed just until the green changes.

Geek note: It takes all freakin’ day to compile KDE.

Drink note: The Macallan 12 year is a beautiful thing and on sale for $38 at Hi-Time.

Car note: based on an observation in the Hi-Time parking lot, the Lotus Elise is a beautiful thing if and only if you do not get it in a loud lime green color.

Love note: salome_st_john rules

End note: Everyone needs to read (more) Graham Greene

BED, BATH, AND BEELZEBUB

  1. If you’re still recovering from the Romance Hunk Paper Towel Experience, you might want to put in the bite block before clicking to visit the Cleaning Hunk, brought to you by Xtra-Pine.
  2. Engineering details, video, theory, and much more about pool & billiards available at this University of Colorado Engineering website. Really neat stuff.
  3. THREE MINUTE ROBOT FREE-FOR-ALL! (video, via robotwisdom)
  4. Nat King Cole sings L.O.V.E. in Japanese!
  5. Preserve this authentic Nazi church, please!
  6. Hey vegemitelover and joyfulagitator, get a load of this virtual clay modeling thing.

I had two dinners today

Pasta e fagioli and a romaine salad with blue cheese and walnuts. Then out into the brisk evening (read: too cold for me) to see if friends were about. joyfulagitator was about to kill us all but fortunately others showed and I assume they went off to have Actual Fun. salome_st_john popped up outa nowhere and we went to Kappo Honda and grazed a bit. They’re really good at this pumpkin croquette thing they do. You know. The thing. With a pumpkin croquette.

I got wrong number email today thanking me for linking to http://www.owies.com/ which when you’ll see it I think you’ll agree has some of the worst crafts material ever created. Holy crap that Noah’s Ark thing.

There were a couple of very 1998 looking industrial goth guys at the Harbor/Gisler Chevron station tonight filling up their shitty old pickup. They both had gigantic bottlebrush hair extensions in a ghastly maroon shade, those high boots with lots of buckles, those stripey socks, white faces with lots of eye makeup, the Gothy Man-Skirt. They were seriously mansoning my marilyn. Other stereotypes at the gas station included the Vietnamese girl with the blond-streaked hair and the Scion Tc and the chainsmoking Persian cab driver who was going to blow us all up.

Everyone wants to touch my robot.