Why I’m still on myspace, or: bulletin of the day

From: Hastur

Date: May 20, 2006 1:38 PM
Subject: Coming soon to a bulletin near you!
Body: In consultations with various worthies who attempt to peer beyond the veils of your universe and into the next (all in vain), I, the benevolent Hastur, have decided to begin an expose’ of otherworldly existence for your edification.

Each week Hastur will take you to a different corner of the dark cosmos. Thus you may puruse and be enlightened about some of the most ancient and benighted secrets that mankind has not even the slightest inkling of concering their true nature.

See where the Outer Gods and Great Old Ones work dilligently at their “day jobs”. Finally learn the shocking, mind-numbing truth concerning the creation of your universe, how it works, and why you are all here.

Summer independent study course credit at your institutions of higher learning will be offered, if you can convince the sloping, apelike foreheads who run your schools to accept it.

Your money cheerfully refunded (keep your receipts) if not delighted.

Sincerely,
Hastur the Unspeakable

Latest blurbs from Bob

We were drinking Volcanoes. That’s a jug of Cuervo and 151. Because it makes you feel kind of hot inside, and sometimes you blow up.

I was living with the owner of the bar, working for him. Unlimited blow. Insane amounts of cocaine. I’d look down the bar at some piece of ass and say to my buddy “you think we can even get it up?” No, of course we couldn’t. He wanted to go down the street to the 7-11 so I grabbed him and took him in the bathroom. You want a cop to see that face?

I had my appendix perforate in the field, 40 miles from nowhere. I got peritonitis of course. I have had a full life. The corpsman told me I was done in a few hours. No way to get me to the hospital, we didn’t drive those roads at night due to being shot by Vietnamese people. So Spurlock pulled his .45 on the executive officer, some ensign, and everyone agreed to go along with the joke and they drove me there, 40 miles in the back of a truck on a dirt road.

What kind of dog is it? It’s the kind that bites you. Got great forward vision, looks straight at you, then takes a chunk out of you.

Having dentistry done of some kind at the V.A. The dentist was a tiny little woman, really small. There I am on my back on the table and she’s doing something or other and she says “could you put that down?” and I realize my arm’s come up and is waving around out of reflex. And then I realize that my arm and my side and my tit are about the size of her in her entirety and I start laughing. Well of course she’d be nervous, it’s like the zoo girl with the tiger knocked out and she’s chipping away at the tooth hoping he doesn’t wake up.

Evildoer located

They busted a terrorist cell and weapons depot in San Bernardino County. There were more than 1,300 weapons, including machine guns, silencers, and a grenade. There were five pounds of C4 plastic explosive and a terrorist training camp at a chicken ranch in Pomona.

But it’s a below-the-fold news story. Why aren’t there breaking story alerts, live press conferences, CNN 3-D reconstructions of the scene, constant re-running of grainy arrest footage?

Because he’s a Cuban exile, of course. Those are the happy kind of terrorist.