SAUCE from lazy me.

I like smoky barbecue. But I don’t own a smoker. Nor do I always have the wherewithal to drag the hibachi grill out and charcoal cook stuff. So I fake stuff up, to be lazy.

rice vinegar
tomato paste
fresh garlic
chipotle tabasco
molasses

This set of ingredients in vague quantities to taste makes goop to put on stuff before roasting or broiling it in the oven. It is in no way barbecue but it’s dangerously good. A person could eat a whole tri-tip in these circumstances if the person was big enough, which thank Heaven I’m not.

Washington, DC: 1861

By invitation of a well-known official, I visited the Navy-Yard yesterday, and witnessed the trial of some newly-invented rifled cannon. The trial was of short duration, and the jury brought in a verdict of “innocent of any intent to kill.”

The first gun tried was similar to those used in the Revolution, except that it had a larger touch-hole, and the carriage was painted green, instead of blue. This novel and ingenious weapon was pointed at a target about sixty yards distant. It didn’t hit it, and as nobody saw any ball, there was much perplexity expressed. A midshipman did say that he thought the ball must have run out of the touch-hole when they loaded up, for which he was instantly expelled from the service. After a long search without finding the ball, there was some thought of summoning the Naval Retiring Board to decide on the matter, when somebody happened to look into the mouth of the cannon, and discovered that the ball hadn’t gone out at all. The inventor said this would happen sometimes, especially if you didn’t put a brick over the touch-hole when you fired the gun. The, Government was so pleased with this explanation, that it ordered forty of the guns on the spot, at two hundred thousand dollars apiece. The guns to be furnished as soon as the war is over.

The next weapon tried was Jink’s double back-action revolving cannon for ferry-boats. It consists of a heavy bronze tube, revolving on a pivot, with both ends open, and a touch-hole in the middle. While one gunner puts a load in at one end, another puts in a load at the other end, and one touch-hole serves for both. Upon applying the match, the gun is whirled swiftly round on a pivot, and both balls fly out in circles, causing great slaughter on both sides. This terrible engine was aimed at the target with great accuracy; but as the gunner has a large family dependent. on him for support, he refused to apply the match. The Government was satisfied without firing, and ordered six of the guns at a million of dollars apiece. The guns to be furnished in time for our next war.

The last weapon subjected to trial was a mountain howitzer of a new pattern. The inventor explained that its great advantage was, that it required no powder. In battle it is placed on the top of a high mountain, and a ball slipped loosely into it. As the enemy passes the foot of the mountain, the gunner in charge tips over the howitzer, and the ball rolls down the side of the mountain into the midst of the doomed foe. The range of this terrible weapon depends greatly on the height of the mountain and the distance to its base. The Government ordered forty of these mountain howitzers at a hundred thousand dollars apiece, to be planted on the first mountains discovered in the enemy’s country.

These are great times for gunsmiths, my boy; and if you find any old cannon around the junk-shops, just send them along.

There is much sensation in nautical circles arising from the immoral conduct of the rebel privateers; but public feeling has been somewhat easier since the invention of a craft for capturing the pirates, by an ingenious Connecticut chap. Yesterday he exhibited a small model of it at a cabinet meeting, and explained it thus:

“You will perceive,” says he to the President, “that the machine itself will only be four times the size of the Great Eastern, and need not cost over a few millions of dollars. I have only got to discover one thing before I can make it perfect. You will observe that it has a steam-engine on board. This engine works a pair of immense iron clamps, which are let, down into the water from the extreme end of a very lengthy horizontal spar. Upon approaching the pirate, the captain orders the engineer to put on steam. Instantly the clamps descend from the end of the spar and clutch the privateer athwartships. Then the engine is reversed, the privateer is lifted bodily out of the water, the spar swings around over the deck, and the pirate ship is let down into the hold by the run. Then shut your hatches, and you have ship and pirates safe and sound.”

The President’s gothic features lighted up beautifully at the words of the great inventor; but in a moment they assumed an expression of doubt, and says he:

“But how are you going to manage, if the privateer fires upon you while you are doing this?”

“My dear sir,” says the inventor, “I told you I had only one thing to discover before I could make the machine perfect, and that’s it.”

So you see, my boy, there’s a prospect of our doing something on the ocean next century, and there’s only one thing in the way of our taking in pirates by the cargo.

Last evening a new brigadier-general, aged ninety-four years, made a speech to Regiment Five, Mackerel Brigade, and then furnished each man with a lead-pencil. He said that, as the Government was disappointed about receiving some provisions it had ordered for the troops, those pencils were intended to enable them to draw their rations as usual; I got a very big pencil, my boy, and have lived on a sheet of paper ever since.

Yours, pensively,

ORPHEUS C. KERR.

rotating knives

mendel alerts me to this photo taken by his father. Apparently Canadians are pretty hardcore about their national day of celebration, enough so that they’re willing to give happy, water-bottle-waving celebrants a shot at the noise, dust blast, and extreme fucking danger of a military helicopter landing zone.

I know they’re not in the roped-off zone etc. etc. but if it was me I’d be some distance from that scene unless it was imperative that I get in the helicopter right away. I have no need to follow in Vic Morrow’s… er… headsteps?

Mack, Kenn, can you confirm that this is insane?

even a baby sloar is kind of big

  1. Set aside your troubles, we haven’t been murdalized by a giant CGI asteroid.
  2. Of course we have at least 99 problems to set aside.
  3. One of our problems is making sure the Dewey Decimal number for porches is correct.
  4. Kevin recommends that you stalk yourself annually to find out what everyone else already knows.
  5. Evangelical Christianity and American right-wing party politics have become almost an identity, but one pastor was willing to give up one for the other, even at great personal and professional cost. His book and other writings and audio are on his church’s website.
  6. If you’re, like, a total bitch, you should use Lydia Pinkham’s Vegetable Compound.

Today all of the subject lines on my craigslist feeds are Smiths songs, somehow:

TIFFANY HARVEY WHERE ARE YOU MY DAUGHTER
Missed something (OC to Hellman)
red running shorts
To chastity from deja vu
Exhausting all means (Irvine)
Sweetie with herpes

Bang.

The HELLHOUND 40mm Low Velocity Multi-Purpose Grenade is a fixed type ammunition designed to be fired from a 40mm Grenade Launcher M79, M203 (attached to the M16/M16A1/M16A2 rifle) or Milkor MK-1/[MGL-140]. The round consists of an A5-filled metal projectile body with a rotating band, a point-initiating-base detonating fuze with Safe and Arm technology, and a cartridge case assembly. Upon impact with the target, the firing pin is driven into the detonator, which in turn initiates the spit back charge, producing a jet which initiates the explosive train from the base forward, resulting in an armor-piercing jet of molten metal and fragmentation of the projectile body. With twice the fill amount of an M433 and a 40% increase in the shrapnel pattern and a lethal diameter out to 10 meters, the HELLHOUND will provide superior performance against both Troops in the Open and MOUT type engagements, while providing superior door-breaching capabilities.

from Master Blaster on military.com

all the leaves are brown

The SF Chronicle reports the gloomy bullet points from a doomy official state report about climate change in California.

Without serious reduction in emissions:

California will become significantly hotter and drier by the end of the century, causing severe air pollution, a drop in the water supply, melting of 90 percent of the Sierra snowpack and up to six times more heat-related deaths in major urban centers, according to a sweeping study compiled with help from respected scientists from around the country.

The weather — up to 10.5 degrees warmer by 2100 — would make last month’s heat wave look average. If industrial and vehicle emissions continue unabated, there could be up to 100 more days a year when temperatures hit 90 degrees or above in Los Angeles and 95 degrees or above in Sacramento. Both cities have about 20 days of such extreme heat now.

dogmatic statement

A restaurant, the name of which is formed by making a possessive out of a noun not traditionally used as a given name, but which is descriptive or evocative of the restaurant’s food or entertainment or the ethnic group which produces said food, will be a bad restaurant. Examples: Chili’s, TGI Friday’s, Taquito’s. Corollary: A restaurant named similarly but with a plural instead of a possessive will be more expensive and marginally better, but rarely worth it. Examples: Plums, Scallions, Tapas. Second corollary: Any business named in the former naming category is sure to be an unpleasant franchise and should be avoided. Example: Tire’s Warehouse.

Neotenized homogeneous privilege results in frenetic subculture self-identification. Also retards.

I thank burntcurtis for the phrase “White Identity” to describe Orange County’s many fucked-up subcultures: goth, skinhead, mod, swing kid, straightedge, rockabilly greaser, emo, “punk,” neo-hippie, club kid, etc. Until he pointed it out I hadn’t seen our collection of permanent teenage culture victims as a consequence of overwhelming whiteness, but it sure makes sense.

I was reminded of that this morning when it was brought to my attention that a skinhead had figured out how to work a computer.