See also “Natural Chips”

At Mother’s Market tonight I saw a “Calorie-Free Honey BBQ Sauce.” What the. Response from friends via Sidekick included:

torgo_x: It’s WINDEX!!

hweimei: Where do they get the calorie-free honey? Wait, don’t answer that.

mendel: Frankenbees. (tiny, tiny terminals protruding from its neck) “Come quickly! I have invented the Splendabee!”

There was indeed sucralose in the ingredients. I wonder how you get the calories out of honey, though, so you can still use that word but without, um, honey? Scared.

Candidate’s Statement

I am proud to represent Orange County and I hope that you, the citizens, will return me to my legislatorial chair this year. As a long-time resident of our residential areas I have pursued a bottoms-up form of communication that extends the grass roots into the statehouse.

This year I have concenterated on domestic issues close to those which threaten our families. At the implementation level I have implemented the Dairy Protein Extension Act which allows low-income families to substitute edible pork plasma-based nondairy dairy products. I was a co-sponsor with Senator Diebold on H.R. 3331, the 2006 Picket Fences Act, otherwise known as “Tom Sawyer’s Law.” Together we’ve made a big step towards ending the whitewashing.

I am proud to say that I have visitated many businesses in our business district and worn their hats. And I have heard what you say. You said: go back to Sacramento, and I did. In Sacramento I have sat on committees as well as in my office. I want to bring back to you the knowledge that we are having great meetings with some dynamic and forward-looking movers and shakers, and that the future still lies ahead.

Here are the key issues I’m facing for you today while sitting:

  • Toxic parricides in your water supply
  • No more rubber-stamping of pork barrels
  • Mandatory abstinence education for newlyweds
  • Appropriate taxation for refrigerator magnets
  • State-funded monotreme reserves
  • No more abortions in public libraries
  • Whither baleen?
  • Secure online dating
  • Restricting sex offender access to Garanimals
  • Federal notaries on all airline flights
  • Ending nepotism in the drywall industry once and for all

I hope you’ll join the Union Ironworkers, Ruth Buzzi, Opus Dei, and three out of four osteopaths in our osteopathic district in supporting my return to Sacramento this year.

The writing on the mirror

Either the bro dudes have noticed that the housing boom and their easy money days are ending, or someone just dumped a lot of cheap cocaine on the market around here. I have seen more coked-out 25-40 year old mortgage bro guys this week than in the six months previously. I mean really fucking HIGH AS A KITE, flying, twitchy and loud, eyeballs making Ren & Stimpy noises, inappropriate affect, sweating, jaw clenching, everything.

The last one I saw tonight was standing on Newport Blvd near 17th with a couple of other guys. He had that overly-tanned and haggard skin, sunglasses pushed up on hiss spiked hair, a coating of sweat on his face, and office dress shirt and pants. As I waited at the stoplight he suddenly tugged sharply on his shirt so that he seemed to rip a couple of buttons off, exposing the top part of his chest. Then he yelled at them: “Revenue. Revenue, revenue. REVENUE!” And then the light turned green and I drove away.

Election notice: Costa Mesa, CA

Attention all who are eligible to vote in Costa Mesa:

Your city council election is of international importance.

Please vote for Garlich and Scheafer and against Mansoor and Leece.

The choice is between typical Costa Mesa small-business conservatives, who are concerned with things like where to put roads and how many more athletic fields the city might need, and insane power-hungry racist demagogues who hang around with Minutemen and white supremacists and want to wage war on Mexicans.

Garlich and Scheafer are backed by the police and fire departments, the newspaper, the ex chiefs of the police and fire departments, and business people all over town. Mansoor and Leece are backed by Minutemen nuts, local neo-nazi Martin Millard, and lots of dubious out-of-town money.

Please vote. I don’t need a race war in the town next door. Thanks.

As goes the nation, goes the LA Weekly

The neocons take over in the expected putsch after the New Times bought them.

I assume the OC Weekly is on the list for the same treatment. Should be easier here, since finding someone who isn’t a right-wing loudmouth is nearly impossible.

Nothing is enough for these people. They’re not satisfied with owning the national news media outlets, the cable TV news, the newspapers, the magazines. They have to go after the free weeklies where seldom-read lefties tag along after the entertainment listings, and root that out too. It’s not like Harold Meyerson et al. were hugely influential — everyone reads a paper like that for the listings and the ads — but the Big Right-Wing Crusher Hand has to get everyone.

And now the New Times neo-con talk-radio-style tabloid monster has eaten almost all the notable free weeklies in the country.

These people want more than a voice. They want to reverse and destroy every single thing about the rebellion of the 1960s, go back and win every argument they lost about the war and Watergate and race and gender, eat and shit out every pop culture item that might contain subversion, and burn down the universities where their professors confused them with suspiciously foreign intellectualism.

Welcome to Talk Radio Nation: Boomer sell-outs, ignorant neo-cons, privileged post-literate suits, and their slaves.

Long live the LA City Beat.