“Chief” wasn’t there, though

Of the maybe ten people on the Diedrichs patio tonight, at least 3 were visibly mad.

Red-Faced Bible Mike was lecturing one of his usual pals (Beard & Glasses) about the Rapture, the Coming Evil World Government, and the usual paranoid stuff a little bit too loud, with a younger acolyte and a couple of 19 year old girls chiming in. He got louder and I moved to the other edge of the patio.

There I sat near Crazy Chain-Smoking Armenian Lady who never stops talking to herself. Near me was a rough and rumpled 50something gentleman who obviously has spent too much time outside. He was furiously reading a paperback book that he held about 2“ from his face in total darkness.

Although I had to leave my coffee and the summer night, I was almost glad about an hour ago when I got paged to fix stuff for work.

My plan: embrace it.

The major news wires and media outlets shall be required to give airtime and coverage to all events that occur in which people wear gorilla suits.

This will have a number of beneficial effects:

  1. Legitimate, hard-working, gorilla-suit-wearing people will finally have their achievements and contributions reported accurately, redressing an age-old imbalance.

  2. Publicity-seeking losers will be encouraged to wear gorilla suits in order to get the mandated media attention. This will result in many of the enervating news items that tire and bore us now being given the indubitable sparkle of gorilla-suitery.

  3. Headlines like “Eagles Tour Again: In Gorilla Suits” and “Perot Announces Senate Candidacy in Gorilla Suit” will multiply.

I hope I have all your support.

HELL IS FOR CHILDREN!!1!

Emo people, Hipsters
Circle I Limbo

SUV Drivers, Eric S. Raymond, That Guy in the Second Row
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Libertarians, Greenpeace
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Ralph Nader
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Mormons, Objectivists
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Creationists, New Agers
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Neoconservatives
Circle VII Burning Sands

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies, Scientologists
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Bill Frist, Skinheads
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

The marketer is then launched into the woodchipper

One of our developers, who was debugging a nasty problem on the website I help manage, just said that our site was a Rube Goldberg apparatus and he could not figure it out.

He’s right. I’m no cartoonist, but I was able to sum ours up for him and the project manager to their satisfaction:

The exec VP reaches for the bonus and falls onto his assistant, who drops her bag of cheetos onto the front-end programmer. he lets go of his nintendo to get the cheetos and the nintendo rolls down a slope onto the sysadmin, who wakes up and restarts the server.