Category: Uncategorized

araby

Today I was sort of half-ill and did not go into the office. I did some work from home and then wandered. I went to the ritzy mall and watched the ultra-rich shop. Lots of self-satisfied matrons towing around unhappy daughters on break from college. Went to the coffee shop. Went to the health food store and bought bread & tomatoes. Went back to the coffee shop. Saw, in sequence, my last four crushes-at-a-distance. Managed to speak to one of them.

I’ve had the sensation of a masquerade lately. Everything seems to be a play or dance worked out in advance and not revealed to me until the last moment. Restaurants and bookstores feel like carnival rides. The world is a plastic buffet set out in front of me which I cannot eat. Somewhere a tinny organ is playing.

I’ve been told that this is a frequent symptom of oncoming schizophrenia, but I hope it’s just ennui.

Et in arcadia ego

Sad songs, they say so much

Today’s music on hold while Speakeasy was fixing my rain-soaked DSL included:

Magnetic Fields, “Papa Was a Rodeo”
Assorted Buckleys (Tim and/or Jeff)
Nick Drake
Sandy Denny

It almost sounds like they have a soundtrack setting for “It’s a rainy day in Southern California, you have a cold, and electrical and moisture problems are degrading your network performance.”

Oh great, now it’s the Cowboy Junkies. Someone get me two handfuls of percocets and a jug of rye.

Cities of the plain

I spent the day in a state of high sexual energy. I desired to defeat the other ape-men and take their ape-women into my harem. I thought crass thoughts and said rude things and meant them. I resented the success of others. I wanted everything tasty I saw in front of me and I didn’t care how or why I got it. Hello, Id.

Hyde is showing up a lot more lately. It’s a coin flip whether this is good or bad. My Jekyll’s stats are terrible.

The mood tonight was raunchy and sociopathic; I fit in fine.

If I’d felt this way more often when I was 19 I’d be happier today.

An index nightmare for the year

Themes return often to my nightmares. Mostly I dream of travel anxieties, lost objects, school anxieties, and less frequently family discord. The last of these is usually the worst; my actual family troubles are subtle and undermining, but the dream ones are just a big emotional beat down with lots of hatred. Last night I had a long series of dreams which combined all of the usual hits plus every one of the album cuts and B-sides, including:

  • Travel to a faraway place (India)
  • My parents abandoning me in a hotel and going there on their own
  • My father disowning me completely in this process and taking one of my friends instead
  • Terrible hatred of my father as a result, and inability to contact him to tell him this
  • Return to the family home and huge fight with my mother, who also disowns me
  • Attempts to meet my father at the airport and assault/scream at him
  • Family throwing me out of ancestral home
  • Necessity to find a new place to live within 3 days because of this
  • Loss of keys to three (3) separate cars
  • Loss of keys to shitty apartment I’m forced to move into
  • Suicide

The “best” parts of this one were the bitter, demeaning, scathing tirades from my mother, the total lack of interest by my friends in my plight, and the sheer number of lost objects, all of which were my fault. I give this one a 9 on the 10 scale only because I did not wake up yelling.

I got up feeling tired this morning. I hope this is the end of these for the year. Bleah! BLEAH! I say.