araby

Today I was sort of half-ill and did not go into the office. I did some work from home and then wandered. I went to the ritzy mall and watched the ultra-rich shop. Lots of self-satisfied matrons towing around unhappy daughters on break from college. Went to the coffee shop. Went to the health food store and bought bread & tomatoes. Went back to the coffee shop. Saw, in sequence, my last four crushes-at-a-distance. Managed to speak to one of them.

I’ve had the sensation of a masquerade lately. Everything seems to be a play or dance worked out in advance and not revealed to me until the last moment. Restaurants and bookstores feel like carnival rides. The world is a plastic buffet set out in front of me which I cannot eat. Somewhere a tinny organ is playing.

I’ve been told that this is a frequent symptom of oncoming schizophrenia, but I hope it’s just ennui.

Et in arcadia ego

2 thoughts on “araby

  1. not to ignore the more personal and introspective bits of your entry, but the rich mall near me has several bentleys for sale in its atriums. it’s a great place to go if you want to instantly put yourself in a foul mood.

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