Author: substitute

nope

stimps was right

The new Liz Phair sounds just like Avril. Nice sellout, Liz. What happened, did you get a bad mortgage refi?

Seriously, if you need money that bad you should leave music and just go back to law school or something. It’s not worth it.

He hated this crap anyway

Dear Advertisers:

Thank you for your constant reminders to “Not forget Dad on June 15” and “Celebrate your love for Dad” and also that “Dad would love these tools”, etc.

July will be the tenth anniversary of his death. Therefore, I’m unlikely to forget him, but I don’t think he needs any tools.

Please take your Hallmark holidays and shove them. My mother cries practically every time she’s reminded of him, and you’re not helping.

Hugs,

ignatz

The Real OC

So, the fine folks at FOX TV have got hold of the idea that they should make a show about my home town. They didn’t call it Newport Beach, though, they called it The OC referring to the entire county.

Newport Beach, where I live, is a mostly wealthy and very pretty resort town. I’ll deal with stereotypes about Newport some other time but it fits their mold pretty well.

Orange County, however, isn’t so monolithic, and I have an alternative to their program. Mine would be called Stanton or Unincorporated Areas of Anaheim, and would play like a mix of Oz, Bill & Ted’s Big Adventure, Born in East L.A., Requiem for a Dream, and American History X.

It would all take place in one of North-Central Orange County’s hellish decayed suburbs full of meth-addled skinheads, really dumb surfers, violent Mexican gang members, freaked-out cops, and lots and lots of convenience stores. In fact, almost all of the action of each episode could be filmed in a convenience store.

Every week a new cast member would arrive from some hick town to CALIFORNIA!! and be innocent and cute and promptly get beaten or raped or killed or thrown in jail or perhaps just OD. Someone would say “He’s Dead, Jim!” and crack open another 40.

Other possible titles for the show include “Beach and Ball”, “Knott!”, and “Bolsa Boys”.

I got some of the juice down my throat

A friend of mine works at a lab where they test for toxics. One of the needs of a lab like this is totally clean water: Just H2O Nothing Else.

So, they have a team of mad scientists who clean tap water. These people are very good. They work hard at removing every possible impurity from the local tap water. However, they aren’t able to get it all. One chemical in particular, a contaminant that probably results from the manufacture of fun stuff like rocket fuel, was still at a measurable level (half a part per million or so). This wasn’t acceptable, especially since that’s one of the chemicals they have to test for.

Fortunately the stuff is broken down by sunlight. So, every day they hoist huge containers of water up to the roof and let them sit for a day in the bright sun. Problem solved; nasty stuff gone.