Author: substitute

nope

An excellent dinner: stirfry beef and eggplant with homemade peanut sauce. Why do I ever buy dressings and sauces from other people? Mental note: never do that again. Next time no beef, just a handful of cashews or peanuts. Increasingly I think I can and should do without meat. A year from now I bet I’m a vegetarian. Washed it down with a very nice glass of ’01 Pouilly-Fuissé. Later, I’ll have yogurt with berries. I can still eat well and not kill myself.

Again: homemade peanut sauce is so much better. Peanut butter + rice vinegar + honey + soy sauce + sriracha. Heaven!

During the benefits meeting they introduced two new benefits: a subsidy for well-child checkups for dependents under 18, and a benefit for health care of same-sex partners. I think I’ll switch teams and get an underage boyfriend and see if I can make money.

There’s more to life than books, you know, but not much more.

Note to jobseekers: my local supermarket is hiring scabs for a strike. Here’s your chance to cross a picket line to sell Lunchables™, Chef Boyardee Ravioli, and fake artisanal bread to the local quality.

I think I realized at a very early age (maybe 8?) that I am destined to be an observer rather than a participant in life. I think I read a Shakespeare play and realized that I sympathized only with the Chorus. Things haven’t changed so much since then. People around me lead flamboyant lives, full of sex and money and violence and poverty and alternative lifestyles and huge unresolvable conflicts. Meanwhile I sit in the corner, weighted down with a tremendous stone, and occasionally intone a comment or judgment upon the scene before me.

When I need to be with someone, I desperately crave social intercourse, or cuddling, or something more. When I need to be alone, I’m a distant, icy asshole. I need a partner in life who is just like that and exactly in sync with me. Dysfunction junction, what’s your function?

I’m a terribly angry, judgmental backstabber. All of my humor is negative, but I’m a great coward. I talk about you behind your back. I am duplicitous, fearful, lecherous, and dependent.

However, I make a darned good stir-fry.

Health Benef…

We had our BENEFITS MEETING at work. It took place in a cavernous glass walled room for maximum echo, without any PA, and without a presentation system, so that we had trouble hearing and the powerpoint was passed out xeroxed. Always a good start.

Benefits next year are… um.. worse. Much more expensive, and lots of hurdles in the way of actually getting your disease fixed. They have those things now where they call you up and want to “manage” your chronic disease, and they want you to call a rent-a-nurse before seeking care. So, I summarized it for my coworkers who couldn’t be there:

For those of you who missed the meeting or couldn’t hear, here’s the highlights:

* Sign up now for uhc.com’s Super Fantasy Health Care 2004 Season! Pick your doctors, plot your strategy, and see how much actual health care you can get for your fee. With lives on the line this is the most exciting fantasy sport product yet! Actual health care not provided.

* If you are suffering from gunshot wound, hemorrhagic fever, uncontrollable seizures, or acute appendicitis, a Registered Dissuader may contact you and prevent you by force from obtaining actual health care. This is all part of the changing landscape of today’s economy.

* A money saving tip: Use our convenient mail-order pharmacy! We save money hiring temps from halfway houses to figure out your prescription, dispensing with those overpaid “pharmacy degree” types. Everyone wins!

* Remember: Every time you seek out health care, Baby Jesus cries.

* A representative from the Health Abatement Team may contact you if you suffer from chronic conditions such as heart disease, emphysema, diabetes, or constipation. This program, which is entirely voluntary, offers a variety of “exit strategies” and care alternatives provided by trained and caring euthanasia professionals. Together, we can beat health care costs the dignified way.

Please don’t hesitate to contact us at any time for an upbeat, humorous, and team-building talk about care alternatives. To your Health!

It tastes like burning

I didn’t think it was possible to make a burger entirely out of salt, but Red Robin has achieved this. Water, please senor, before I die.

This mall is weird. There are lots of carts, many of them selling technology from 1991 like a fudged up pingpong video game and customized childrens CD’s. Lots of deranged specialty stores like the build your own teddy bear place, too. Very Simpsons. Everyone here is rich and brittle and dumb; Fellini meets “Clueless”.

Welcome to the arnoldiverse.

My Day at the Polls [bodybuilding,bdsm,n/c,corrupt,anal,trample,nazi]

Are we governed by a nazi robot yet?

Did the Cubs lose yet?

Hey, i’m coming up on my [deleted] anniversary of no dates whatsoever! Tonight I have sushi with the One That Got Away, Mk. VII. Gosh it’s great that I’m such good friends with all the women who don’t like me quite well enough to date me. I excel at mediocrity and consolation prizes. Willy Loman, Super Genius, at your service.

The programmers are playing loud games. I guess I don’t need to work either, then. I wonder what possesses someone in an office to think that slamming things against the wall and hooting like a proboscis monkey being jacked off is appropriate.

I’m not nearly as bitter as this sounds. Had a great conversation last night with kennfusion, bruisedhips, and the_silent_one and hensatc. At least I’m not at reggiT’s office having an Enforced Ice Cream Social.

I’ll be at D’s, or maybe at Ruba later if my dinner goes long. Unrequited passion and yellowtail sashimi sometimes take more than 45 minute.