Author: substitute

nope

it’s been 10 years

wearescott reminded me that today is the tenth anniversary of the Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan dustup.

For some reason the only amusing detail I can remember is that two newsgroups instantly appeared:

alt.fan.tonya-harding.bonk.bonk.bonk and
alt.fan.nancy-kerrigan.ow.ow.ow

I remember seeing her house in Clackamas somewhere while visiting Portland and noting the lawn covered with pickup trucks and major appliances, also. Who says we don’t have class war here?

not dead yet

The Anti-Death Project is going well. I’m down to 242 lbs and didn’t gain anything during the usually fat-filled “holidays”. I feel a lot better, too. 20 pounds makes a huge difference in one’s day-to-day health.

And then there’s this good news: YEY!!!

Pull me another double, barista.

Are you unpoopular? Do you pop out at parties?

I was at the Borders tonight. Since I’ve been struggling with my psyche a bit lately, I strolled down that aisle, only to discover that I must Learn to Live with Asperger’s, Speak the Language of Sadness, Triumph Over my Past, and Travel the Path of Peace Away from Anger. This all seemed like too much work, so I trotted off to the Sex aisle, since that’s another area that’s been causing my tsuris.

I was confronted with the item below and promptly left the store to come home to the more understandable comforts of dinner.

ITEMS.

1. One of the employees at Diedrichs is a curly-haired, dreamy, epicene young man who wears Big Rave Pants in his off-duty time. His girlfriend showed up the other day. She is a slow-moving bovine girl who constantly wears an Insane Clown Posse sweatshirt. Drugs are bad.

2. An affable madwoman at church on Sunday was trying to sell Christian Science to the guy behind me, while the guy behind her mumbled in tongues. I think I might need some place more ..structured.. or I’ll get distracted. It’s like trying to attend a lecture on moral philosophy at a health food store.

3. Sesame seeds improve almost all foods.

4. An essential piece of equipment for hanging out at my coffee house is the iPod. Between the hideous screeching of the Sunday Morning “Classical” group and the drunk bartender next door howling out his joy and rage at the world of sports, headphones were DE FREAKIN RIGUEUR yesterday.

5. The casualty list from heroin and speed among D’s employees is getting out of control. They’ve got to stop using that place as a halfway house; it’s a business for goodness sakes.

Rules

1. Pink or yellow text is a Class C Felony, punishable by a $10,000 fine and not less than four years in State Prison.

2. Pull up your pants. Thousands of years of experimentation with clothing suggests that the upper third of your buttocks should be covered rather than exposed. Don’t mess with that!

3. Please observe reserved words and namespaces with foods. Don’t call something “Moussaka” when it has no eggplant, or “Club Sandwich” when it is a salad. Violators will be dealt with briskly, like medieval well poisoners.

4. Do not, ever again, to anyone, say: “It’s all good.” We live in a vale of tears, and occasionally we are kissed by joy. The two experiences are different and only one of them is “good”.

5. Do not upsell me, or anyone else. You have a minimum wage job. They will not pay you any more if you get me to purchase a pastry, or sign up for the “club card”. You’ve lost your status in society, keep at least your honor.