More great stuff from the new age magazine

  1. The Enlightenment Card is here! It’s a Visa credit card that gives you points as you buy towards… enlightening things. I want to tell the Dalai Lama about it so I can get one of those long cheerful Tibetan laughs out of him.
  2. Holistic dentistry as a general concept is probably a great idea, because dentists so often are the ones who see medical problems first. However, I’d avoid the madman with the extensive psychoceramic chart (270k jpg) showing how your teeth control your lungs, liver, and everything else.
  3. Do you need an exorcist? Why no, I don’t. I especially don’t need one who uses Comic Sans. Considering their client base, though, they’re wise to demand the $300 up front. Customer service must be a bitch there.
  4. There is an ad for a psychic clairvoyant medium named Zack Havoc. I don’t want anyone who identifies with “Havoc” messing with the spirit world. That’s a name for a late 1990s extreme sports/fake punk DJ guy, not a medium. His Corporate Reading services include “Product Placement.” Does that mean he will put your product in his readings? Also “Employee Moral” and “Theft of Services.” His political services include “demographic populace” and “legislative zeitgeist.” Okay I’m done now.
  5. Energy Healing for Pets. Yes, the url is There is a kind of Pet Tarot for sale there, too. Are we really this rich? I guess we are.

The rest of the ads are mostly for unlicensed psychotherapy via loopholes like “life coaching” and “psychic counseling. There are also ads for fraudulent medicine of various kinds, including a claim for total herbal cure of diabetes; that’s lethal. There are also quite a few pyramid schemes, including ones that produce more of the fake psychotherapists by using counseling to recruit more counselors. The smell of brimstone is evident.

I found one really cool thing in the entire magazine. There is an Organic macrobiotic Japanese food lunch truck roaming Los Angeles. Okay, that’s just awesome, having a lunch truck pull up outside your job and getting edamame, soba noodle salad, some gyoza, and a hot cup of genmai-cha. Salut! Or whatever you say in Japanese.

23 thoughts on “More great stuff from the new age magazine

  1. The six of mrrp reveals that you like catnip
    “Through use of my intuitive ability, I will communicate telepathically with your pet, the spirit guides that surround your pet, and my own spirit guides (St. Jude of Thaddaeus, St. Francis of Assisi, Archangel Raphael, Edgar Cayce).”
    So the patron saint of impossible situations, the patron saint against dying alone, and the patron saint against insanity and nightmares, plus the dude who said we were going to raise Atlantis in 1969? AMERICA, FUCK YEAH


  2. you do so need an exorcist who uses Comic Sans. Deep in your heart you know that this is what you have always needed, and moreover that it’s what everybody else has always needed, to.
    O for the coding know-how to have posted this comment in Comic Sans. Alas for my n00bish ski11z.


  3. Remember when I almost had an exorcism perfmormed on myself? or for myself? er…
    Remember when Jay almost had to kidnap me and tie me to a chair to get me to consider exorcism for my bad string of days?
    Where’s Jay? I miss Jay.


  4. Dude, one of the times I had an audience with Dalai Lama I had a septum ring and he stopped to look at it and gave one of those chuckles and jiggled it. I don’t have the peircing anymore, but I’ve got that blessed nose ring in a safe-ass place.


  5. I love when New Age shit uses the word “energy” as though it’s not just as much a part of the physical universe as everything else. Perhaps I should go into the Energy Healing business, using a bolt gun to introduce a chakra-rattling blast of kinetic energy to the base of my clients’ skulls.


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