More great stuff from the new age magazine

  1. The Enlightenment Card is here! It’s a Visa credit card that gives you points as you buy towards… enlightening things. I want to tell the Dalai Lama about it so I can get one of those long cheerful Tibetan laughs out of him.
  2. Holistic dentistry as a general concept is probably a great idea, because dentists so often are the ones who see medical problems first. However, I’d avoid the madman with the extensive psychoceramic chart (270k jpg) showing how your teeth control your lungs, liver, and everything else.
  3. Do you need an exorcist? Why no, I don’t. I especially don’t need one who uses Comic Sans. Considering their client base, though, they’re wise to demand the $300 up front. Customer service must be a bitch there.
  4. There is an ad for a psychic clairvoyant medium named Zack Havoc. I don’t want anyone who identifies with “Havoc” messing with the spirit world. That’s a name for a late 1990s extreme sports/fake punk DJ guy, not a medium. His Corporate Reading services include “Product Placement.” Does that mean he will put your product in his readings? Also “Employee Moral” and “Theft of Services.” His political services include “demographic populace” and “legislative zeitgeist.” Okay I’m done now.
  5. Energy Healing for Pets. Yes, the url is psychicvet.com. There is a kind of Pet Tarot for sale there, too. Are we really this rich? I guess we are.

The rest of the ads are mostly for unlicensed psychotherapy via loopholes like “life coaching” and “psychic counseling. There are also ads for fraudulent medicine of various kinds, including a claim for total herbal cure of diabetes; that’s lethal. There are also quite a few pyramid schemes, including ones that produce more of the fake psychotherapists by using counseling to recruit more counselors. The smell of brimstone is evident.

I found one really cool thing in the entire magazine. There is an Organic macrobiotic Japanese food lunch truck roaming Los Angeles. Okay, that’s just awesome, having a lunch truck pull up outside your job and getting edamame, soba noodle salad, some gyoza, and a hot cup of genmai-cha. Salut! Or whatever you say in Japanese.

Who’s awesome? mcpino is, that’s who.

Saturday evening I opened my door to see a large, bulbous package on the step. It was addressed to me, but I couldn’t think of anything I’d ordered that would look like a sack of potatoes. I dragged it inside and inspected it. Playa del Rey return address. Who the honk do I know there? Maybe it’s a UNABOMB!

I opened it up and out fell a stack of Spy magazines from 1988 to 1990, with a note from mcpino saying he was just dragging these around from place to place and he hoped I’d enjoy them. GOD DAMN YEAH I WILL.

Ann Hodgman eating dog food! Celebrity garbage! The New York Times fatality column inches calculator! MAKE YOUR OWN TWINKIE! THANK YOU!

From Spy Magazine, 1992

I grabbed this from an online archive of the magazine. Spy was the Onion and the Daily Show of the 1980s and early 1990s. This was one of my favorite bits and I’m glad to see it again.

Women in Love: Spy’s Pocket Guide to the Best-sellers

Ivana Trump, Woman of Letters – In her novel, For Love Alone, Ivana Trump tells the story of Katrinka Graham, a plucky Czech skiert who emigrates to America and marries the rich and powerful Adam Graham. A roman à clef? No way – Katrinka is beautiful without benefit of plastic surgery, and Adam is not a bullying blowhard. Here’s how Ivana captures Katrinka’s thoughts at certain dramatic moments:

  • On skiing over the Czech border to freedom: “Ayiiiiii!”
  • When consoling a friend on her troublesome love life: “Ay yi yi.”
  • On meeting the long-lost son she gave up at birth: “Ay yi yi yi.”
  • When finally divorced from Adam: “Ay yi yi yi.”
  • On hearing her friend is deserting her husband: “Ay yi yi yi.”
  • When she is offered a rich chocolate dessert: “Ay yi yi yi.”