This set of brain adjusters (300 mg Wellbutrin XR, 10 mg Lexapro, 20 mg Adderall XR) is the best I’ve had. The combination of the Wellbutrin and the Adderall seems to jack my dopamine levels up to something like normal, and the Lexapro keeps me from completely losing my shit with anxiety fits or sliding into day-long fits of obsessive depression. I’m going to call that a win.
The side effect of reducing my appetite and improving my impulse control has benefits everywhere else, too. Not only am I slowly losing weight, but I don’t have as many temptations to give myself a quick dopamine boost with a few drinks, an impulse purchase, or a cigar. Result: I’m no longer increasing in mass or debt, and removing nicotine and any excessive alcohol from the system means less brain chemical troubles from that crap.
I’m also giving EMDR a cautious thumbs up. Big parts of my life are still marked “DO NOT ENTER: ANXIETY AND SELF-HATRED INSIDE” but some of it is less traumatic to deal with on a day-to-day basis. One interesting/annoying discovery is that it’s possible to have a really nice, ripe case of posttraumatic stress disorder without having been in combat, raped, or beaten like a gong by your parents. You can get these symptoms just because you’re susceptible and some things happened that hit your button, stuff that most people wouldn’t see as out-of-the-ordinary trauma. EMDR is intended to slowly work this crap loose, using advanced Metahypnotic Phrenologistication that I do not understand well. So far I have a slight reduction in Pointless Bullshit; I approve.
I had one of these miniature self-hatred spirals tonight. While I was sitting at the bar reading and BSing a bit with D., two very attractive women passed through the place. Both of them were very well put together, organized-looking, obviously intelligent people who obviously had money and education. They were sophisticated types with taste. And in both cases I just thought “well, she’s out of my league”. I caught the negative wave as it went by, and as much as I still kept beating myself up about it later on I was at least aware from the first step that I had made a cognitive mistake and I was stirring up all the wrong brain responses.
Tiny steps for twitchy brains.