Had sushi with A. tonight, which was bittersweet. Hadn’t seen her in forever and she’s doing well, which is great. Has a really good job now, very nice boyfriend who sounds better than every guy she’s dated, etc. I’m still a little bit crushed on her, hence the bittersweet, but she’s such a good friend that I’m always happy to see her. Since she lives 60 miles away now, it’s rare for us to see each other.
The school at which she teaches is public but run like a crazy right-wing private school because of the teachers. She was told to can it when she talked to students about fuel efficiency and the environmental advantages of less piggy vehicles because so many parents drive SUVs, and one teacher wrote the 10 Commandments on a blackboard with “11. Vote for George Bush in 2004” added, right before the election. Lots of other examples. The kids themselves are great, though: very focused, good readers, intent on learning.
Almost every night now I dream that I’m hated, usually by my family. It’s unpleasant as hell. I reflected today that there are a number of reasons to hate me. Of course, in the dream it’s not about my actual flaws but about crazy dream stuff.
Lately I get the feeling that I miss someone, or that I wish someone would come back. Then I realize that I miss someone who’s never been here and never will, and in fact doesn’t exist. At 40, it’s hard to pull off an imaginary friend.