SOUND THE TRUMPETS, BLARE THE OBNOXICATORSssss

With the inevitability of a falling piano, the relatives of our nation’s holy dead from September 11 have filed suit, seeking $1 trillion from somebody or other. Banks, it appears, because they have money.

It appears that there is in fact no problem, no horror, no disaster too wrenchingly painful that it cannot be solved by a rich creamy salve of cash. If “justice is served” with a heaping plate of legal fees and sanctimonious honking, then we will “heal” as the pop psych news analysts like to call it, and terror will be defeated. The dead will rise from their graves as in a medieval painting, flowers will bloom in the desert, and we wil stand tall again.

We must admire the courage of these families to rise above their grief and, just under a year after the event, sue for nation-building quantities of cash. And let us not forget their footsoldiers, either. The quiet corporate attorney, clad in his tailored suit and Bruno Magli loafers,sitting at his desk for hours and hours producing briefs. There’s a thin red-tape line that defends us from terror. Let us pause a moment and honor those who have the guts to stand up for what makes us unique and fills the world with awe at America: litigation.

Go ahead, you dirty turbaned ascetics. Shake your tiny fists at us from your mountain caves. Our torts are rising like stealth bombers into the air, and they’re headed your way.

5 thoughts on “SOUND THE TRUMPETS, BLARE THE OBNOXICATORSssss

  1. i just saw the news on cnn. that’s a disgustingly huge amount of money. that’s a stupid amount of money. numbers here – the united states is 6 trillion in debt – they want 116 trillion.
    one hundred. sixteen. trillion.
    no one just “hands over” 116 trillion dollars. christ, they might as well have just made the lawsuit for “5 gazillion bazzillion” dollars.
    ugh.

  2. And yet…
    If this thing actually goes to court, the evidentiary part of the trial is going to be very discomforting to the powers that be. While the people and entities named in the suit probably cannot be held liable for 9/11, there’s a lot of truth in what the suit alleges. So if only for that, it will be interesting to watch people squirm.

    1. Re: And yet…
      I really hope so! But I doubt it somehow. I think it will be a ceremonial patriotic festival with checks passed out at the end. Would be nice if it picked up some rocks so we could see the bugs running away.

  3. We must admire the courage of these families to rise above their grief and, just under a year after the event, sue for nation-building quantities of cash.

    I don’t know if the families are to blame… I figure legal firms hatched this scheme and then sent hordes of silver-tongued devils to get the families to sign on.
    I just tried to research what the legal teams get in a lawsuit of this scale. The most obvious precedent is the tobacco lawsuits and in that case they could get 19 to 35 percent of the awards for their state. Supposedly trampling all over the usual rules of caps on legal fees. Now you know why trial lawyers have such a big lobby in Washington.

  4. i saw that on CNN, too. the anchor actually said, i swear to god, “families of september 11th victims are doing their part to attack terrorism where it counts: in the pocketbook.”
    doing thier part. he made them sound like american heroes. is anyone actually falling for that?
    everyday america does something else stupid. by the end of bush’s term we are going be totally ostracized from the rest of the earth. our friends list will be totally desolate. we’ll be kicked out of all of our communites. won’t that be interesting.
    somewhat unreleated. you may be interested in http://www.latimes.com/la-oe-turley14aug14.story

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