Tag: wtf

Salutations Without Borders

I’m in the process of donating some cash to Doctors Without Borders and filling out my personal info. I have to choose a “Title”, meaning my salutation. The number of possible salutations in the drop-down menu is insane. Shall I be Mr. and Mrs. Rabbi? Sheik? Sergeant-at-Arms? Reverend Mother?

— please make a selection — Abbot Admiral Admiral & Mrs. Admiral & Mr. Admiral (Retired) Alderman Ambassador & Mrs. Ambassador & Mr. Assemblyman Assemblywoman Attorney Attorney & Mrs. Attorney & Mr. Bishop Bishop & Mrs. Board of Directors of Brigadier General Brigadier General & Mrs. Brigadier General & Mr. Brother Cantor Cantor & Mrs. Cantor & Mr. Captain Captain & Mrs. Captain & Mr. Captain (Retired) Cardinal Commander Commander & Mrs. Commander & Mr. Chaplain Chaplain & Mrs. Chaplain & Mr. Chief Colonel Colonel & Mrs. Colonel & Mr. Colonel (Retired) Committee Committee to Re-Elect Commodore Commodore & Mrs. Commodore & Mr. Congressman Congressman & Mrs. Congresswoman Congresswoman & Mr. Corporal Corporal & Mrs. Corporal & Mr. Countess Co-Workers at Co-Workers in Co-Workers of Dame Dr. and Mrs. Deacon DEACONESS Deacon & Mrs. Deacon & Mr. Dean Dean & Mrs. Dean & Mr. Director The Duke & Duchess of Dr. Dr. and Dr. Doctor & Doctor Dr. & Mrs. Doctor & Mr. Doctor & Ms. Doctor & Reverend The Duke & Duchess of Duchess Duke The Emperor & Empress of Emperor Empress Ensign Ensign & Mrs. Ensign & Mr. The Estate of Friends & Associates at Faculty at Faculty & Staff First Lieutenant Foreign Ambassador Friends & Neighbors at the Friends & Classmates Friends & Co-Workers of Fleet Admiral Fleet Admiral & Mrs. Fleet Admiral & Mr. Priest Friends at FRAU Friends in Friends of From the General General & Mrs. General & Mr. “General, Retired” Governor Governor & Mrs. Governor & Mr. The Honorable The Honorable & Mrs. The Honorable & Mr. The Honorable Judge Judge & Mrs. Judge & Mr. Justice Lady Lord Lord & Lady Lieutenant Lieutenant Colonel Lieutenant Commander Lieutenant Commander & Mrs. Lieutenant Colonel & Mrs. Lieutenant Colonel & Mr. Lieutenant Colonel (Retired) Lieutenant General Lieutenant General & Mrs. Lieutenant & Mrs. Lieutenant & Mr. Mrs. Madam Major Major & Mrs. Major & Mr. Mr. and Mrs. Master Mayor & Mrs. Mayor & Mr. Mayor Members of Messrs. Major General Major General & Mrs. Major General & Mr. Miss Misses Mademoiselle Madame Master Sergeant Master Sergeant & Mrs. Master Sergeant & Mr. Mother Monsignor Most Reverend Mister Mr. and Dr. Mr. & Dr. Mr. & Mrs. Mr. & Mr. Mr. and Ms. Mrs. Mrs. & Mr. Mrs. & Mrs. Mrs. & Ms. Ms. Ms.’s Officers of Parents of Pastor Private First Class Petty Officer Prince and Princess President President & Mrs. President & Mr. Prince Princess Professor Professor & Mrs. Professor & Mr. Private Private & Mrs. Private & Mr. Queen Rabbi Rabbi & Mrs. Rabbi & Mr. Rear Admiral Rear Admiral & Mrs. Rear Admiral & Mr. Representative Representative & Mrs. Representative & Mr. Reverend Reverend Doctor Reverend Doctor & Mrs. Reverend Doctor and Mr. Reverend & Mrs. Reverend Mother Reverend & Mr. The Right Reverend (Episcopal Bishop) The Right Reverend & Mrs. The Right Reverend & Mr. Senator Senator & Mrs. Senator & Mr. Senora Sergeant Sergeant & Mrs. Sergeant Major Sergeant Major & Mrs. Sergeant Major & Mr. Sergeant & Mr. Sheik Sheriff Sheriff & Mrs. Sheriff & Mr. Sir Sir & Lady Sister Speaker of the House Speaker & Mrs. Speaker & Mr. Staff Sergeant The Staff at The Staff of The Family of Trust of Vice Admiral Vice Admiral & Mrs. Vice Admiral & Mr. Vice President Vice President & Mrs. Vice President & Mr. Your friends at

The part of “psychotic First Lady” is to be played by Piper Laurie

zombie lizard queen

Possible explanations for this photo include:

  1. David Icke is right. Both the English Royal Family and the U.S. leadership are actually evil space lizards, or “reptoids”. In this shot Laura Bush has just seen Icke across the room and is uncontrollably morphing into her true reptilian self.
  2. Prince Charles, on a desperate Bond-like mission to save the world from the Bush administration, has his Walther PPK in the small of the First Lady’s back as he tries to force the President to resign. This is a doomed effort because the President doesn’t give a shit about his wife or anyone else.
  3. It has now been proven that if you give Camilla Parker-Bowles an injection of curare directly into her spine she turns into Laura Bush.
  4. Condi Rice is across the room and she and the First Lady are having an “evil face” contest.
  5. Cocaine.
  6. As Mrs. Bush explains to Charles that they’ll be snacking on babies later with Karl Rove, he desperately tries to catch the eye of his assistant to get him the fuck out of there to somewhere he can drink this whole fucking visit out of his head.

Add yours as you please!

Important items for your consideration.

I often fall asleep with my jeans still on, and later I wake up and get properly undressed for bed. Night before last this happened again. I woke up later feeling very cold. Upon investigation I discovered I was not wearing my pants. Furthermore, I could not find my sheet. Why am I pantsless and uncovered?

I found my jeans at the foot of the bed. Groggy and annoyed, I picked them up. Hmm, they’re kind of stuffed-feeling, what’s.. WHAT? The sheet was wadded up and stuffed in one leg.

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When my cat decides to get in my lap and love me, she kneads me in a kittenish way. When she does this she drools. Is this a kitten preparing to suckle reaction of some kind? Does anyone know? It’s sort of cute and gross at the same time.

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The other day I passed a business that followed my Rule of Business Names, which is that all pet grooming places and low-end hair salons must have horrible cute names. It was called THE DOG SPAW. Now I know what they meant by this, the lame spa/paw joke, but doesn’t DOG SPAW sound like something you have to clean up because your dog ate the soap and some raw bacon?