I’ve been shopping online for flashlights today, and found what I needed. In the process I temporarily had to enter the insane world of flashlight geeks.

Because the flashlight is a phallic symbol, and because shining a light in someone’s face is a dominance display, flashlight geeks are primarily male. They live in a Tom Clancy world of military fantasy in which the guy with the best gear wins. Let’s read this description of the SureFire E2D Executive Defender:

An advanced technology Xenon lamp that produces a spot-free beam so intense it can momentarily blind an attacker (four times more lighting power than a standard two D-cell flashlight), and its crenellated Strike Bezel™ allows it to be used as a last-ditch impact weapon. Constructed from aerospace-grade aluminum coated in a super rugged military-specification finish, the pocket-size E2D Defender also features an optically-coated Pyrex® lens; high-energy, ten-year shelf-life lithium batteries; a steel pocket clip, and law enforcement-style click-on/off momentary switching for blinding flashes or emergency signaling. A patented lock-out tailcap allows the light to be locked in the off position to eliminate accidental activation when stowed away

And here it is:

$105.

Even better is the M3 Turbo Combatlight, a “Special Operations Flashlight”:

The SureFire M3T is a specialized illumination tool designed to project a tightly focused beam of intense white light at greater ranges than the standard M3 CombatLight . Featuring a 2.5-inch TurboHead reflector to tightly concentrate the beam for longer-range applications, the M3T is CNC machined from aerospace-grade aluminum and coated in a military specification Type III hard-anodized finish that is so tough the knurled handle of the M3T can be used to saw through the aluminum of lesser flashlights. Powered by three lithium batteries (10-year shelf life), the M3T CombatLight™ produces 125 lumens of light for over an hour, or 225 lumens for 20 minutes with the included ultra high output lamp (that’s 15 times the output of a typical 2 D-cell alkaline flashlight). Like all lights in SureFire’s Special Operations Series, the M3T features a shock-isolated bezel/lamp assembly that can withstand the repeated recoil of a large caliber weapon. The M3T also features unique switching originally developed for law enforcement- twist for constant on, or depress the tailcap button for momentary illumination or emergency signaling.

$330. I really like the detail that it can saw through “lesser flashlights” in case an actual flashlight dicksize war occurs.

Don’t get me wrong. I like flashlights! I enjoy bright things, and technology, and geekery. And I need flashlights, because I’m always looking behind a computer to see where the damn cable went, or opening my front door when the porch light is blown out, or some other task. So I ordered a new keychain flashlight, because mine broke. It wasn’t $105, and I believe its aluminum is below aerospace grade and not coated with military spec flashlight coating from the special military flashlight coating plant. It is a lesser flashlight.

I hope I never have to have a flashlight fight with someone who’s geared up with the best of the best, though. I’d totally lose.