I just want to see under the sink

I’ve been shopping online for flashlights today, and found what I needed. In the process I temporarily had to enter the insane world of flashlight geeks.

Because the flashlight is a phallic symbol, and because shining a light in someone’s face is a dominance display, flashlight geeks are primarily male. They live in a Tom Clancy world of military fantasy in which the guy with the best gear wins. Let’s read this description of the SureFire E2D Executive Defender:

An advanced technology Xenon lamp that produces a spot-free beam so intense it can momentarily blind an attacker (four times more lighting power than a standard two D-cell flashlight), and its crenellated Strike Bezel™ allows it to be used as a last-ditch impact weapon. Constructed from aerospace-grade aluminum coated in a super rugged military-specification finish, the pocket-size E2D Defender also features an optically-coated Pyrex® lens; high-energy, ten-year shelf-life lithium batteries; a steel pocket clip, and law enforcement-style click-on/off momentary switching for blinding flashes or emergency signaling. A patented lock-out tailcap allows the light to be locked in the off position to eliminate accidental activation when stowed away

And here it is:

flashlight

$105.

Even better is the M3 Turbo Combatlight, a “Special Operations Flashlight”:

The SureFire M3T is a specialized illumination tool designed to project a tightly focused beam of intense white light at greater ranges than the standard M3 CombatLight . Featuring a 2.5-inch TurboHead reflector to tightly concentrate the beam for longer-range applications, the M3T is CNC machined from aerospace-grade aluminum and coated in a military specification Type III hard-anodized finish that is so tough the knurled handle of the M3T can be used to saw through the aluminum of lesser flashlights. Powered by three lithium batteries (10-year shelf life), the M3T CombatLight™ produces 125 lumens of light for over an hour, or 225 lumens for 20 minutes with the included ultra high output lamp (that’s 15 times the output of a typical 2 D-cell alkaline flashlight). Like all lights in SureFire’s Special Operations Series, the M3T features a shock-isolated bezel/lamp assembly that can withstand the repeated recoil of a large caliber weapon. The M3T also features unique switching originally developed for law enforcement- twist for constant on, or depress the tailcap button for momentary illumination or emergency signaling.

flashlight

$330. I really like the detail that it can saw through “lesser flashlights” in case an actual flashlight dicksize war occurs.

Don’t get me wrong. I like flashlights! I enjoy bright things, and technology, and geekery. And I need flashlights, because I’m always looking behind a computer to see where the damn cable went, or opening my front door when the porch light is blown out, or some other task. So I ordered a new keychain flashlight, because mine broke. It wasn’t $105, and I believe its aluminum is below aerospace grade and not coated with military spec flashlight coating from the special military flashlight coating plant. It is a lesser flashlight.

I hope I never have to have a flashlight fight with someone who’s geared up with the best of the best, though. I’d totally lose.

9 thoughts on “I just want to see under the sink

  1. its crenellated Strike Bezel™ allows it to be used as a last-ditch impact weapon
    You never know when the commander of a rogue Russian nuke sub is hiding under the sink.

  2. I know you’ve already gotten your flashlight, but I’ve had great luck with this one, plus I have not had to change the battery yet in the several years I have owned it. It’s not too big, not too small, and gives off a pretty good amount of bright light.

    1. Those are nice, yeah.
      I used to have the Coast version of that, which I liked okay, but then the little rubber switch fell off and now it’s useless. If I get another one like that it’ll be an Inova. My current keychain light is a Photon microlight.

  3. aha!
    now i undertand why the military spends $900 for a toilet. it’s the flashlights attached to it.
    now explain to me why each update of musicmatch is worse than the last one.

  4. They also have combat style flashlights that are designed to be operated with one hand while the other holds a gun (and kicks in the door).
    Sort of a “The Shield”/SWAT style fantasy.
    I get a bunch of Public Safety catalogs, would you like a lightbar for your car (replete with takedown and alley lights) too?

  5. when is a flashlight not a flashlight?
    when its a FLASH-LIGHT SABER!!
    do they come with an instruction book on the how to use the force??

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.