Tag: failure

Breaking news is neither

All the news services offer BREAKING NEWS ALERTS sent to my email or phone. I am a sucker for these things, because I think they will provide only the real zingers, and right away.

Unfortunately they never work. What I want is JAPAN INVADES AGAIN or PRESIDENT REVEALED AS FREDONIAN AGENT or AIDS CURED.

What do I get? The resignation of athletic coaches, the leaked possibility of the announcement of some politician’s retirement, some celebrity did something, someone who has been decrepit for a decade dies, Christmas occurs.

With a moment’s thought it is clear how this happens. Someone says “we shall have breaking news alerts” and everyone knows what this means; it means the big stories I want. There are not very many of these. Maybe none for months! Meanwhile they notice that each one of these alerts creates a crapload of traffic to the website.

Eventually the marketing people will lobby for more frequent alerts, and they will start adding less shocking stories, and it will get more watered down. Finally there will be an “alert cycle” that is nearly a schedule, and someone will sell ad packages including the alerts. At this point not as many people rush to the site after an alert, but it’s still more than typical traffic, and that is what counts.

And that is also why someday Christmas will last six months.

In better news, I had a hell of a good plate of brown rice with saffron tonight.

How are you all?

SEARSFAIL

I got this email from Sears today:

WHOOPS! The email we sent you Monday had the wrong TV offer in it! We are not offering a Panasonic 54″ class 1080p 600Hz plasma HDTV for $399.99. We apologize for this mistake and assure you that we are taking every step to make sure it doesn?t happen again.

The offer that we currently have is a Panasonic 54″ class 1080p 600Hz plasma HDTV for $1099.99.

Some Thad or Tad or Katie or Caitlin “Email Blast Coordinator” didn’t enhance revenue today.

Annals of Commerce: Holiday Specials

My project this season is to collect the weirdest holiday sales pitches, i.e., the ones that have to stretch the most to associate themselves with any of the possible Fall and Winter holidays. So far I have:

  • Buddhist teacher selling “holiday” cards to somehow assist children in African country
  • “Celebrate and give thanks all week in EverQuest® with 25% Bonus Station Cash™ and Increased faction hits all around Norrath!”
  • Ham radio tree ornaments from the American Radio Relay League.

Please drop any good ones you find in the comments. I’m sure there will be some winners.

Halloween: What Not To Wear

The Halloween costume for women that I call the “Slutty Noun” outfit is now a topic of debate and outrage; I’ve been complaining about it for years. It’s mainstreaming the sex industry, dragging women back into the Playboy Bunny past, and in poor taste. Yuck!

Last year I realized something worse. While the women dress as stereotyped available objects (nurse, catwoman, stripper outfits, little French maid, showgirls) the men have their own roles. They’re pirates, soldiers, cops, horror movie murderers, Dracula, barbarian.” These roles have something in common too: they’re powerfully violent and often depicted assaulting women.

What’s the message? Men are rapists and women are their victims. And now every year the men and women dress that way, go to parties and bars and get sloshed, and see what happens.

Anyone is free to explore sexuality and enjoy role-playing I don’t like. In this case it would be less worrisome if any if these people knew what roles they were taking on and where that might go.

Whew!

I sure am glad President [Johnson] was re-elected instead of that scary [Goldwater] guy. Now that [Medicare] is in full swing, the [War on Poverty] can’t fail!

I’m worried about the situation in [Vietnam] but you know, someone with this kind of social commitment isn’t going to escalate the situation over there. Maybe with an increase in troop levels we can get the [Vietnamese] government back on its feet and not be there much longer!

Jesus H. Christ, we’re playing MadLibs with 1965.

Friday in the American office

Smiles, casual clothing, greetings of “Happy Friday!”, discussions of forthcoming weekend activities, elevator conversations about how this sure is nice that it’s Friday…

Depression, pathos, and futility ooze from all of it. One day in the working five is half-dedicated to the idea that the next two aren’t spent in a fluorescent call center or an airless cubicle.

Have a great weekend, everyone!