ah, Craigslist.

From the soon-to-be-deleted http://orangecounty.craigslist.org/w4m/89627367.html

As much as I know their customers aren’t very discriminating, any invitation that includes the phrase “I will meet you in the truck at 1:15 a.m.”…

GANG BANG TONIGHT IN BEUNA PARK!!!! – 22
Reply to: anon-89627367@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-08-07, 11:36PM PDT

HOT COUPLE HERE!SHE LOVES CREAM PIES.SO HER IS HOW IT GOES WE ARE IN A HOTEL ROOM AT THE (HOME TOWN INN}OFF OF BEACH BLVD.BETWEEN THE 91 AND LA PALMA. WE ARE MEETING IN THE PARKING LOT WHEN YOU PULL IN GO STRAIGHT BACK YOU WILL SEE A DARK BLUE GMC SEIRRA TRUCK 2004 WITH 20 ” RIMS PARK AND WAIT THE MEETING TIME IS 1:00AM THERE WILL BE A 25 DOLLER DONATION TO GET IN I WILL MEET YOU AT THE TRUCK AT 1:15AM AND BRING YOU UP!DONT BE LATE!WHEN THAT DOOR CLOSES ITS ON!!!

Writing for Bloggers: Introductory Course

People like this guy who tried to get paid for blogging give me the ennui. Blogging is writing done by postliterate geeks. These people are used to being paid for their hobbies, because an obsession with computer programming or its equivalent often accidentally results in a nice paycheck. This will not happen with your blog. Since none of you have met a writer before or read an entire book, some review is going to be necessary here. Writing is not like computer programming. Here are some things about writing:

  • People write because they have to and get paid if and when they can. Writers do not expect to make a living by writing and very few of them get paid more than lunch money. This is true for bad, mediocre, and even very good writers.
  • Writing is done for an audience. If you write entirely for yourself, and do not stop to consider your readers and what they may find interesting or pleasant, do not be surprised if you are not read.
  • “Content” is not generic. If you do not have anything to say, do not write. If you have something to say that is said frequently by others, you will not be read. A new person writing “My occasional rants on the world of PC Gaming with particular emphasis on multiplayer online games” or “A daily set of links to Slashdot and three or four well-known political websites with my unique and irreverent perspective” will not be noticed, much less read.
  • Writing is harder than talking. It is, in fact, a craft. (See Podcasting, below). The only people who are read by many others are people who take care to put words together properly, and these people usually have to go over their writing several times and edit it for repetition, clichés, dumb catchphrases, and ugly turns of phrase. If you are not willing to do this you will not be read.
  • Podcasting is not writing. Podcasting is talking into a microphone and then having people listen. If you are not a speaker of professional quality you will sound like a complete fucking tool on your podcast. The number of people willing to listen to a mouth-breathing, sniffling amateur drone about technology or politics is small. For example, it’s smaller than the number of people who are willing to listen to the BBC or National Public Radio. Much smaller. Do not podcast.
  • Even if you have exciting things to say, even if you write with careful attention to your audience, even if you spend years improving your skills, you will not get paid. If you build a better mousetrap, it’s said the world will beat a path to your door. If you write a better paragraph, you then have to beat a path to your job.

If you stripped out all the personal yawps, pictures, and linksmanship from my own blog and then pulled out the bits that could have theoretically been sold to a newspaper or magazine as reviews or op ed, and then assumed that I sold them all and got paid for them all, I’d make maybe $250-$300 a month unless I’d really hit the bigtime. And you would have made an ass out of U and me in the process, because not even very good writers sell all their stuff.

I hope this is helpful. If you still want to write things on the internet despite never being paid and rarely being read, you are a writer. If you work very hard at it, someday you may get $15,000 for two or three years’ work and be distributed in tiny quantities to libraries and bookstores. It will be the happiest day of your life.

I mean it about podcasting, though. Don’t do it.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

I went to the supermarket tonight near midnight as I often do. The only reason I ever go to Ralphs is that it’s open late; otherwise I’m at the produce market, Trader Joe’s, etc.

The Ralphs on 17th Street in Costa Mesa, CA is very bright, painfully so. I feel like Lou Reed coming down off heroin when I walk in there out of the dark into the fluorescence. The produce is horrible except for one or two items, so it’s strictly a packaged goods and dairy kind of place for me most of the time. I really like the people who work there, though.

Lately I’ve been going to another Ralphs less than a mile away if I can; it’s only open until midnight, but the Westcliff Plaza one’s staff has revolted and replaced the corporate Slow Jam/Office Rock muzak with their own mix CDs, so that my 20 minutes of grocering are smoothed by a few tracks of 70s funk or 1940s jazz etc.

Tonight I made the mistake of going back to 17th Street and experienced the worst innovation yet. They’ve put a door buzzer in because of all the beer runs etc. and every time anyone enters or leaves it makes a piercing, cringe-inducing 70 db BEEEEP. No, not BEEEEP. More like BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. It’s the sort of sound I associate with fire alarms at hospitals. Can’t be ignored, makes you stop in your tracks and flinch. I could see people making involuntary attempts to cover their ears each time it went off, which was about every three or four minutes. We were all on a broken starship from a shitty science fiction movie.

I grabbed the stuff I absolutely needed and checked the fuck out. At first I thought the noise was a broken alarm, but the checker confirmed the worst; it was permanent and would go off on every use of the door. I expressed disbelief. “I feel like writing a letter!” She handed me a comment form to send to them. “I’d really appreciate it”. I told her I probably wouldn’t be back for a while but I’d send in the comment letter.

Another customer came up and we bonded over the hell-noise. What the hell were they thinking? As I left, I told the checker “The mental health costs they’ll pay out to you guys are going to be way worse than a few beer runs.” She high-fived me.

I am a linkJ, I am what I paste

  1. Why would anyone want to make their own ad for the product they love? Because we live in AMERICA! FUCK YEAH! (AdJab)
  2. wearekim calls my attention to a distressing soap dispenser.
  3. ZAAAAAAP. (Flickr)
  4. They’re still at it with the crazy crypto export controls; it’s been a bipartisan nightmare for over 10 years now. (Schneier)
  5. The always worthwhile Dinosaur Comics today addresses manliness.
  6. Okay, it’s funny enough that the Vatican has a Chief Astronomer, but that he’s the one defending evolution makes it even better. “Who got Galileo’s office?” Edit: Even Rick Santorum doesn’t want “Intelligent Design” in the schools; wow.
  7. We have a war in the Middle East and ironic mullets everywhere, so why not a new retro Camaro? Well, because it’s fucking stupid, that’s why.

Links for links’ sake

  1. Our new ambassador from Saudi Arabia is their chief spook and spymaster, and it seems clear he knows everything about September 11.
  2. Oops! The West Coast is, like, dying. Dead birds, dead fish, dead Godzillas everywhere.
  3. They say it won’t be built, but I wonder. The very, very rich have their ultimate excessive vehicle, the 19-foot-long, 7-foot-wide, 7000 lb, 217 mph two-seater Batmobile for Assholes: the Maybach Exelero.

Pic of the monster behind the cut. Jesus Christ.
batmobile for dicks

Hey joyfulagitator! Nail your sizzle points!

Can I bring you a non-refillable beverage while you look at the menu? Hey, don’t forget to save room for our sinfully decadent Chocolate Suicide cake! It’s my personal favorite.

TJI’m sure you’ll be able to follow some of of these key points below, but if that’s a hard slog just remember: you can always bring in TJ for one of his seminars, which are guaranteed stuff and not fluff!

Just thought I’d make sure you were keeping up with all the great tips in Service that Sells and Service That Sells 2: Managing the Sizzle!

  1. Personalize the guest experience and eliminate cookie-cutter service
  2. Nail “sizzle points” and wow every guest
  3. Embrace the steps you can follow to make the magic come alive
  4. Dramatically increase check averages, sales and profitability … and truly set your operation apart!

Maybe next you’ll get “Pour It On: 52 Ways to Manage Your Bar Profits”, which promises to:

  1. Improve the way you manage your inventory, your equipment overhead, your supplier relationships, and your bar staff
  2. Give your staff the techniques necessary to sell your beverages
  3. Show you how to entice customers to come into your operation, spend more money on alcohol beverages, and come back again — with their friends!

http://www.managersredbook.com/

Freedom Science in a can!

kniwt found the article below, an AdWeek teaser, and I dug up another on the same subject. Long story short, they’re bottling dieter’s teas as soft drinks. The claim is that they “speed up metabolism”, which is a phrase that should alert you to danger every time you hear it. In this case they’re putting carbonated green tea in a can, probably boosting the caffeine as well, and who knows what else. Nothing wrong with drinking iced green tea, mind you. But when they tell you they’re speeding your metabolism, or that some product “burns calories”, hang on to your wallet. You’re either being sold speed or colored water.

I like the fact that one of these beverages is being sold by a “former tech entrepreneur” who acknowledges that he needs to break through people’s skepticism. Also that being sold by Coca-Cola would make the whole thing more legitimate. [laff track]

two news stories about Enviga!