Tag: commerce

Best day at the mall ever

firecartThis pamphlet was distributed at a shopping mall by the artist. It is an instruction manual of sorts, done in DMV/air safety style, showing exactly how a day at the mall should go.

It’s the work of Packard Jennings, for whom I would like to buy a beer.

His next project needs lots of business reply envelopes, since it’s intended as an instruction manual for the hapless drones who work processing mail for large companies.

And once again with the Belgians.

When they’re not trying to sell me suits, I get their resumes. This is literally the tenth Belgian youth who has sent me a C.V.Madame, Monsieur,

Je vous serais gré de bien vouloir prendre connaissance de mon Curriculum Vitae personnel ainsi qu’une lettre démontrant ma motivation à travailler dans votre entreprise.

Afin de ne pas alourdir ce message inutilement, j’ai préféré vous envoyer un lien vers ces documents plutôt qu’en pièces jointes.

Format Adobe Acrobat (PDF – 66,8 Ko) :

Click to access cv.pdf

Format Microsoft Word (DOC – 49,5 Ko.):
http://www.myfilebe/myfile/juliegancik/cv.doc
En vous remerciant d’avance de l’attention que vous porterez à ma candidature et dans l’attente de vos nouvelles, je vous prie d’ agréer, Madame, Monsieur, l’expression de mes salutations distinguées.

Respectueusement,

Julie Gancik
0495 92 60 30
julie@myfile.be

If you’re ready to succeed, then success is ready for you.

We’re here today to celebrate each other. Let’s all have a big hand for all of us. All of you! Yeah!

I don’t like to call these “seminars”. They’re FUNinars. Because what’s the most fun in life? Succeeding. And succeeding is what we’re going to do today. I’d like you to go ahead and look at your handouts now.

The real beauty of this system is how simple and fast it is. Ordinary people in their own homes — yes, like you — can build multiple streams of income within weeks by following these simple worksheets and videos.

If you’re not interested in building wealth, if you’re not interested in becoming a millionaire, then you can just change the channel and walk away. This program is only for people who are ready for serious financial improvement in their lives today.

You can date beautiful model-quality women every week. And it’s not hard. Think I’m crazy? Think again. Relationships are a science like everything else, and any guy can learn the inside tricks and secret rules of sex today. You knew something was missing all along, didn’t you? This is it.

There are a billion business opportunities out there, and as an entrepreneur you’re going to ask yourself: which one is best for me? Well there’s one thing that everyone can agree on: Mr. Pickly’s Deli-Quik is a franchise that’s here to stay — and here to pay!

You know, this is my favorite way to play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Why? I’ll tell you why. Because everybody wins! Are you ready to win today? Are you ready to be a millionaire? Can I get a YEAH? Everyone, you’ve been awesome. There are tables at the entrances, and we’ll be coming around.

I blame torgo_x for making me taste the excitement

maciej: tough on ignatz, tough on the causes of ignatz
mike: speaking of pork gravy
ignatz: http://tastetheexcitement.com/
maciej: my god
ignatz: You’re tasting the excitement, aren’t you.
maciej: how am I supposed to return to that country?
ignatz: Drunk
maciej: drunk, broke and under subpoena
nrrd: Officially licensed NASCR meats!
nrrd: That is.. awesome
maciej: makes me wonder if america’s #1 sport premium meat stick will retain its lead
mike: oh good lord
nrrd: The official beef slurry of the WWE
ignatz: Shift into colon spasm with NASCAR potted meat food product!
maciej: a pit stop to remember
mike: nascar bacon, jeez
nrrd: NASCAR meat stix (r) bring the thrills, excitement, and hydrocarbon aromas of NASCAR right to your tastebuds
ignatz: That’s what you call the strips of roasted flesh that fall off Jimmy Bob’s ass after he runs the Daytona 500
nrrd: It’s like biting down on Jeff Gordon’s seat cushion after 500 laps!
ignatz: http://www.ssb4.net/members/watch/enlarge.php?aid=&img=11498/rotation_of_imgp3729.jpg companion product
maciej: how do I get the taste of excitement out of my mouth again
nrrd: nevar forget (to courtesy flush)
screengrab for the flash-impaired

Freedom Science Strikes Again

If you can’t be part of the solution, there’s always money to be made inventing a new problem. That’s how we got new diseases like halitosis and ring around the collar. There’s a product, so let’s create a need: a disease is a good one.

Our enemies—waxy buildup, salmon going red in the can, the invisible filth on our faces—can only be defeated with the help of heroic product managers. This is an old story.

If what you’re selling is the absence of something, the task is a little easier. Best way is to launch a crusade of health and morals against your target. I recommend just lying like crazy ’cause it works great. Today’s example:

http://www.caffeineawareness.org/

The caffeine-free products industry now has its own Reefer Madness, in which the most harmless and beneficial of stimulants turns out to be the worserest thing you can do! Just ask this scientician!

There’s trouble in River City…

thanks to salome_st_john for this

L’apres midi d’un dorque

Idling at Kéan with Mike (used to have a big black beard Mike) today, I saw a stream of Newport Beach stereotypes including:

  • 85-year-old man with perfectly trimmed white beard parking a brand new $200,000 200mph Porsche Turbo sports car, which I then observed to have an automatic transmission
  • A young woman of classic magazine cover head-turning beauty accompanied by two rich and tough-looking beefy older guys. The three of them were having a business meeting, no doubt about her career. They toasted one another with Bubble-Up. The two guys looked serious the way Mafia guys look serious. She looked depressed, which in someone with her looks comes out as a pouty, puppyish yearning look. She smiled once, revealing 47 very bright white teeth.
  • This woman’s Ghost of Newport Past showed up, too: a 14-year-old future model, all dressed up in fluffy sweater and tight jeans and slightly-too-grownup heels. Same perfect model face. Her mother was identical and 35, with a very hard and focused look to her.
  • An assortment of very large expensive cars with grilles on the front that looked like BIG MONSTER FANG TEETH MOUTHS. Each of these cars was larger than the others. Several very large diesel trucks driven by small, finely-built men in pressed jeans are included in this category.
  • One 80something gentleman all covered in liver spots and combover who was trying to guide in his friend Mike to the place. He kept getting the names of things wrong, and telling Mike that he wanted to meet him at Plums but they had an hour wait “even after I told them who you ARE”. There were at least five of these calls. Two other people showed up to sit with Liver Spots but Mike never showed. His dog, an ancient cocker spaniel named Annie, was doing about as well as he was and kept walking into things like brick walls and trees and then harrumphing.
  • An outrrrrrageously Italian employee of Kéan. This guy was maybe 30 and looked a lot like Antonio Banderas. He was wearing the kind of lacy, frilly shirt that only guys from the Mediterranean can wear. He was slightly sweaty and had a huge 500,000 watt grin and whooshy airy hair that he held back with a headband. I don’t know how he carried it off, but he was every housewife’s dream European waiter/lover. Jean-Luc!