Author: substitute

nope

THE EYE IN THE FOOD PYRAMID

I had a great time today. First, there was a binder. And I got a handout. And I got to put the handout in the binder!

There was a food pyramid. A real one, made of clear plastic, with fake plastic food in it. And we got to figure out the volume of fake plastic breakfast cereal. And figure out things like how much salt was in some soy sauce.

I learned about great resources just for people like me on how to make food just like the food you make from the recipes on the back of a cool whip bowl except not with cool whip. Also how to control my portion size so that I can feel like I’m living through the Great Depression, except with more plastic around. Many people, including the “Sugar-Free Fun Brigade” and the National Association of Negro Women are here to present me with excellent recipes and ways to enjoy life.

The other people in my class are all just going to fucking die. Probably next week. I waved goodbye to them. In case any of them ever read this, here’s some tips. You can’t save up food “exchanges” from one day and use them on the next. Going to two parties in the same day that have two different types of cake is not a good reason to have two large pieces of cake in one day. You cannot eat a diet without vegetables in it, claim that “I need protein in order to have energy”, and refuse to learn how to cook. If you have an intestinal problem that means you can’t eat fiber or fresh vegetables, and you are diabetic, you should probably shoot yourself now.

But hey. I’m one of the fortunate ones! I can enjoy my 3.5 carbs, 2 veg, 2 protein, and 1 fruit this evening as long as I am very careful not to eat enough that I experience pleasure or become sated. Then, I can stare at the wall!

Did you ever notice that the wall has these really intriguing little bumps on it?

P.S. The dietitian’s dogma contradicted itself in at least three places during the class. I feel like I’m in Sunday school.

P.P.S. I cannot understand after this class how anyone who eats Japanese food is still alive. They must have Evil Samurai Magic.

Also..

I hope y’all will excuse any irrational, unpredictable, or downright annoying behavior on my part over the next couple weeks. All this medical crap plus a lot of work stress are making me something something.

Captain’s Blog

We’re entering the Kreplach Nebula!

I am now down 10 lbs of the 50 I need to lose. This pleases me.

On the minus side, my reading in science! shows that it’s very likely that I’m actually diabetic and not “insulin resistance syndrome”. The chance that I have a reversible syndrome appears low. Assuming that I really have Type 2 diabetes mellitus, it’s likely to get worse throughout my life, and eventually kill me. I can’t say this is good news in any way. It’s just bad news. Barring a miracle, things are probably going to get more difficult over the years and not less.

However that is in general the Human Condition. I just know one of the things that’s going to kill me now.

Had good conversations at D’s today, first with “D.Z.” who is one of the guys who rebuilds classic cars, and then with Nick. Nick claims that Zardoz is actually a good movie, but I suspect a crush on Charlotte Rampling is the source of this idea.

Tomorrow I mostly have a day off, including a haircut and my second course on how to be sick.

pee know gree gee oh

Had dinner with the_silent_one last night at Garduno’s on 17th. The food was ok, although we both agreed that it was too American and not Italian enough. I had spaghetti carbonara and a glass of Pinot Grigio. I managed to spill half a glass of her chianti on her and she was really nice about it.

Then a long blab session at D’s with genericus. Red Faced Bible Mike was once again there. He has now died his hair dark and is cultivating a goatee, in what appears to be an attempt to become a youth pastor.

At Garduno’s there was an old gent with a t-shirt that said “Taxation Equals Slavery” on the front and a series of quotes from Ayn Rand and the Founding Fathers against taxation on the back.

genericus told us about a friend of his who liked getting high but was way too busy in law school to do so. He therefore got high on nitrous because it was a quick cooldown. This gave me yet another brilliant marketing idea: alcoholic beverages that are chemically engineered to eliminate quickly, for about a 30 minute buzz. Possible names for them are: Jack Daniels Thoroughbred; Absolut Rush; Captain Morgan’s Clipper Ship; and Zippybrau.

It was nice to see bruisedhips at D’s, if only briefly.