581% return

Maciej’s delicious links pointed to “How to transition to boyfriend status” with the very accurate tags: ugh howto self-help idiot sex

The “get a girl” self-help guru subculture is exactly the pyramid scheme “network marketing” subculture about sex instead of money. They’re all convinced that some foolproof scheme exists for acquiring the desired object: a beautiful woman. (Note: must be beautiful, preferably a professional model of some kind.) Once this formula is discovered and applied, women meeting their criteria will be attracted and compelled to submit to them. They live entirely in the world of the 13-year-old boy who knows that he wants to have an extremely hot woman, and that he cannot. This isn’t dating, it’s Weird Science.

Like the “network marketing” people, these maniacs always believe in their latest version of self-help sexual magick, which is entirely unlike all those others. Also like the pyramid schemers, they give each other authoritative advice in the complete absence of success even on their own unusual terms. The guy in the beat-up ’85 BMW who tells you he has the key to becoming a millionaire here presents himself as the quivering, porn-clutching misogynist with the sure-fire method for creating a supermodel out of old magazines and a flux capacitor.

A cheerfully annoying loon from my college days, a guy who loved to disrupt any political speech on campus with loud, disjointed heckling and wore a permanent disturbed clownlike grin, later morphed into “The Speed Seduction Guy”. I remember spitting out my drink in disbelief seeing him on TV sometime in the 90s pitching his “method”. OH NO WAY IT’S THAT GUY, OH MAN, HE’S SELLING WHAT?

What these poor bastards are after, of course, isn’t dating or even just sex. It’s power. Fortunately for them, the sorcery they’re practicing just reaps another $49.95 each time for the book and tape set, without the statue of the Commendatore showing up and dragging them off to Hell.

10 thoughts on “581% return

    1. He was such a PAIN in the ASS and such a LOSER that seeing him peddling sex tips later on was hard to believe. He’d show up all jewfro and highwater pants and weird ingratiating grin to just about every noontime event or political speech. Heckle heckle, very pleased with himself, and never lost that grin. He was adept at grandstanding but there was not one person on that whole campus who didn’t find him horribly annoying. At one point Gordon Liddy and Tim Leary had a showy staged “debate” that was filmed and you can see him in the film holding a lighter under his hand to mock Liddy and grinning maniacally.
      Now I guess he’s the cheery Colonel Kurtz of sex.

  1. Ohh… I don’t know… Sometimes I think of stuff like that as “non-specific therapy.” Girls are attracted to confidence, and if you can convince some one to be more confident, regardless of how, their luck with the ladies may improve.

    1. Oh, I have no idea if it “works” for anyone. Maybe it does. The language is pure MLM, though, and I love the desperate tone of the prose.

      1. Ohh, I definately don’t think it’s the best way or anything. In general, it’s all really about becoming a better person. Then you attract better people, and life is better.
        But, yeah, all of these guys want to think that there’s a “quick fix” or a “formula” to getting chicks. But I think anything approximating that is just doing something with your life and being motivated and healthy.

  2. i am all wet now
    ” I’m talking 2-3 month period here, after intimacy, after 10-14 hours of hanging out.”
    In 2 to 3 months you have spent 10-14 hours with her. Oh you have nothing to worry about, clearly you have invested so much already. 14 hours in 8 weeks is at least 1.75 hours a week. What more could a girl ask for?

  3. That Guy…
    A cheerfully annoying loon from my college days…
    It was just such an Annoying Loon That Everyone On Campus Knew that drove me to conject that in any sufficiently large community, there is always someone who can be referred to simply as “That Guy”. As in:
    A: “I was walking on campus the other day and I saw this weird guy…”
    B: “The one with the weird Civil Car cap, and the cane, and when he talks, it’s like he’s really just mumbling loudly?”
    A: “YES!! You know him?”
    B: “Well, everybody knows That Guy.”

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.