Marketing prose from all over

Winter is waiting.. for the weather to turn, the garden to awaken or spring training to begin. Around here, the quiet ticking of a grandfather clock is an overture to something perfectly timed. Aged cheese. Slow hickory smoking. The leisurely rise of fresh bread dough. So it is that our new sandwich arrives to stoke the winter grill with abundant flavor and the time to enjoy it.

This is about a “Smokehouse Turkey Panini on Three Cheese Bread”.

Someone was mixing cheap white wine with “The Silmarillion” and an old Norman Rockwell print.

3 thoughts on “Marketing prose from all over

  1. I was just reading that very BS today! AND!! It convinced me to get that instead of a bowl of the black bean soup.
    But yeah, Panera’s marketing BS rivals that of Starbucks’, in the “RETARDED” department…

  2. The next step in this meme is to convert existing advertising jingles into pseudo-Tolkienesque rambling.
    For example, “Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t/Almond Joy’s got nuts, Mounds don’t.” would be:


    “At times I wandered at while in the fields and meadows and felt the earth beneath my feet and the wind in my hair, and I was reminded of the dawn of the world when all was young, and night was something to be cherished and not feared, and the day would bring the fruits of the earth: ripe nuts fresh fallen from the trees, to be taken in our innocent hands and cherished as a treasure from the earth.
    “On other days more dour, when all was black and a shadow has passed over the land, I feel its age. I feel the earth itself changing, growing weary of its burden, the trees of our youth no longer bearing fruit. Now is the time for the young to enjoy, but the aged merely endure, tarrying ere we depart whither we will; as we fade I recall fondly the nuts of my youth, but turn my face no more toward that tree, for those days have passed into memory.
    “Looking in my hands, I see two sweetmeats arrayed thusly; on my left, Ukûlelë, the Almond Joy, covered in chocolate but belying nougat of incredible power, for almonds as bright as those of the heroic past were lodged within. In my right, lay Nëosporín, named after the Mounds of the falled kings, bereft of almonds and pure; for to it alone its fate was to be consumed ere any nut of earth or mist of ocean touch it.”

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