Our society officially shuns hate. We react to “hate” crimes with public vigor. Our pop culture leaders enjoin us “don’t hate!” and ask us not to be “haters”. Even people whom we are trying to incinerate and pulverize are told that we don’t despise them, and that we’re sorry their leaders put them in the way of our armies.
But you’ve got to have someone to hate! Official culture is no longer allowed to hate the old standard minority groups, so despising black people or Mexican people or even the Irish or the Italians is right out. So, for those of you confused about what to do with all your blind rage, I present:
The easiest target used to be “Arabs”, which for Americans includes actual Arabs, Iranians, the entire Indian subcontinent, southern Asians from the “stans”, and Turks. Mass media voices like Saturday Night Live and morning DJs were allowed to treat anyone with a turban or an “Arab” sounding accent as a character in a racist playlet. However, now that we’re engaged in an actual racist war against these people we are no longer allowed to hate them, only to blow them up. The official voice must be honeyed with love. Sorry.
The next group we’ve been allowed to hate is “Asians”, by which we in the U.S. mean East Asians. They’re great for this purpose, because everyone remembers from third grade how to make fun of them. I particularly remember a Saturday Night Live sketch in the late 80s or early 90s in which a comically stupid “Chinese” guy had a store but wouldn’t sell his chicken because he loved it. Lots of wacky, zany ching-chong-chinaman antics. People who won’t use the “N” word or rage about Mexican immigrants will happy trade “bad Asian driver” stories at dinner parties or do “hilarious” imitations of the stereotypical Korean grocery owner. The field is wide open here, folks, so enjoy it until we’re at war with North Korea and we have to love them as we bomb.
The perennial hate target, surprisingly enough, is the French. The phrase “cheese-eating surrender monkeys”, originally from The Simpsons, has been popularized by a columnist at the National Review (a key publication for hatred fans), as he pounds away at our friends across the Atlantic. Hatred of the French comes up often in conversations: friends of mine across the political spectrum from right to left joyfully cut loose on them for losing to Hitler, smelling bad, being arrogant, not supporting our wars, and liking Jerry Lewis. For some reason, in America, you can’t lose by shitting on the French. If you’re having a down day, got fired at the Wal-Mart, maybe the ’83 Granada won’t start, take it out on the French. Have yourselves a good old Two Minutes Hate. And do it now while you can; we may start blowing them up soon and need to start loving them again.