There are occasional moments in life when some awareness crystallizes out of nothing and one suddenly realizes that something has happened over time which is irrevocable, but hasn’t yet become apparent. The classic version of this is realizing that some person you wish to talk to is dead. Or, on a more positive note, that some physical or emotional pain is absent after years of being in the background causing some low-grade dysphoria.s
In my case I just realized in the last few days that I’ll probably never have a real, satisfying romantic relationship. Looking back at my attempts at dating, there are a few abortive attempts of varying but temporary success and a couple of truly painful relationships of fairly short term. Success rate is zero.
I often meet people I’m interested in; they are never interested in me. The actual success rate in the last ten years has been zero. Periodically I forget this and try to get somewhere with someone, but the result is consistently negative, often with a nasty blowback that leaves a friendship scarred and smoldering.
Given all this, I think it’s best that I just seal up that part of life and concentrate on what I’m good at. Lately that seems to be computer system administration, cooking, and being a thoroughly neutered platonic friend to whom women may complain about their boyfriends and husbands.
Two cheers for the urge to reproduce!