Presidential Address

With credit to Stimps for the concept.

Mr. Speaker, Justices of the Supreme Court, honorable members of the Senate and the House, and all of America, good evening.

As you know, we face a great national crisis, perhaps the greatest in our history. The world watches us daily and looks to us for guidance and leadership, for some light in a dark world.

For too long we have been idle; we have dallied too long and slept leaning on our swords. Tonight I bring you a new America. An America that does not bend. An America that is ready to fight. Tonight we begin a war on the most terrible scourge of our century: Light Rock Stations.

This will not be an easy battle, nor will it be a short one. Many things will happen in the dark, in hiding, and using weapons and tactics that are new to all of us. We can expect to suffer and experience loss, but we may also expect to win victory in the end.

Let me draw for you a picture. On a balmy summer night, a parachuted figure drifts silently out of the sky into the roof of KYSR 98.7, Star 98 Los Angeles, one of our sworn enemies. She pauses to lay aside her ‘chute and crouches for a moment by the satellite downlink, then rappels down into the alley and speeds off on her Vespa. Minutes later a tremendous flash and blast rends the night sky and the building vanishes into ash and rubble.

This is the war we fight. Together, as Americans, we reject the crawling, festering plague of light rock stations. Together we stand. In this long road we walk together, we must remain steadfast and loyal to our principles and each other. With this strength we will defeat the Evil Ones.

Thank you, and good night.

[Exit to “We Want the Airwaves” by the Ramones]

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