Trout speaks

A friend’s stories about the disturbing people he met working a remodeling job reminded me of one of the good Trout stories, which I’ll try to recount in his voice the best I can:

Up by Castaic, framing. Boss drops me there and says this is your show, I’m going back to the office in L.A. So we pour concrete on rebar and chase bunnies with a scraper, frame, the whole deal. Boss calls me up and says “Bob, you’re my right arm. I got this kid at Stanford, he needs to know the business up close. I’m sending him up there over summer to work for you.” Oh okay, I see. This wasn’t optional, and Bob gets to babysit.

Sure enough the kid arrives and he’s right out of the dorm. Dad said to do whatever you wanted, sir. This kid is successful, smart, and halfway through a good education. You know, calculus and fine art and badminton. We have here a junior member of the ruling class. So I give him the tour, right. First stop is Larry. Son, this is Larry. As you see he’s using the circular saw to cut the same size of wood! Over and over! You’ll also see that Larry’s eyes are like fucking pinwheels. He is spun, gone, totally out of his fucking skull on speed at all times. Larry is also on parole for various felonies. Larry doesn’t play well with others. Do not talk to Larry.

Next let’s wander over here and meet Andy. Andy is using a nail gun that can kill a dog. Andy is a wonderful guy except when he’s been drinking. Today, Andy has been drinking since 8 this morning. That’s typical for Andy. Do not talk to Andy or look at him so he knows it. In fact, do not look or talk at anyone here. This is the auxiliary version of prison, we have a rotating door to the lockup in the fucking foyer.

So I then I just hold up my hands. See these? These are slave hands. They’ve all been broken in five places, they’re three quarters fucking callus. See your hands? Yes, very soft. I see no blemishes of any kind. There are no bullet holes or bits of bone sticking out or calluses that interfere with the natural flexion. You’re going to want to keep them that way. Go ahead back to Stanford, or go tell Dad that Bob says you’re needed in the office. You do not belong here.

I don’t know what the fuck Daddy was thinking, quite seriously. Construction is just the joint. If you haven’t got these hands already, you don’t want them.

local news provides holy shit story

Fullerton police officer saves child from train

Autistic 13-year-old had wandered off and was spotted from a helicopter, walking on tracks with train approaching.

By JOHN McDONALD
The Orange County Register

FULLERTON – A routine search for an autistic 13-year-old boy who wandered away from a friend’s house turned dramatic Tuesday night when a police helicopter crew spotted him walking on railroad tracks with a train approaching from behind, officials said.

Fullerton police raced to the scene with sirens blaring and emergency lights flashing.

Fullerton police officer Chris Bradley tore his hand open climbing a barbed-wire fence to reach the boy before the train hit him.

“It wasn’t like in the movies but it was a close call,” said Fullerton police Lt. Neal Baldwin.

The incident began at about 10:20 p.m., when police were called to a home on the 1900 block of Odell Place, where residents reported that Luis Perales, 13, of Garden Grove had been visiting and had wandered off. They reported that Perales is autistic and has the mental age of a 5-year-old.

“The officers also learned that the boy was infatuated by trains,” said Baldwin.

The tracks of the Union Pacific and the Burlington Northern Santa Fe railroads converge just a few hundred yards from the home that the youngster had been visiting.

“We had Anaheim’s helicopter check the tracks and they spotted him walking westbound about three miles away, almost in La Mirada,” Baldwin said.

The helicopter crew also saw a train headed toward the youngster, approaching him from behind.

Bradley pulled the boy to safety. Bradley was taken to a hospital for his hand to be treated and Perales was reunited with his family, Baldwin said.

DING DONG THE

Southern Californians who love popular music and occasionally find themselves reading about it will be doing the Snoopy dance for days on hearing that Robert Hilburn is finally retiring. I’ve hated that sack of shit for 25 years now. He had the worst attitude towards music, was so predictable that parody was pointless, thought he was important because he was a rock critic, and spent a career Not Getting It but Getting Paid For It.

His classic pattern was to ignore local acts who desperately needed the boost he could give them, because they weren’t at his level. And then, after they’d finally clawed their way up enough to get a good record out and some buzz from people who actually cared, Bob would arrive to bless them and announce that they were a fresh new face and Important, interview them at length, and officially apply his Seal of Rock Quality.

He compared anything good to Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen, and later to U2. He treated music the way a bad high school teacher treats literature: only significant for its social and moral implications. He lived in a racist world where white college kids made social commentary and brown people and foreigners made happy dance music about which he could make social commentary. He took all the budget at the Times for his salary and travel costs, leaving the actual editing to overworked part-timers who were his superiors in every way.

Robert Hilburn was a fucking hack.

We’re gonna tramp the dirt down, Bob.

The hardest horking man in show business

switchstatement posted a link to this rappin’ Blue Blockers sunglass ad (mp3), and I immediately recognized the artist. It’s Dr. Geek.

In my Dark Ages when I was a 20-something yuffie with no reason to live, I rode the bus in Los Angeles. For ten years. It did not improve my disposition. I frequently had to take the Wilshire or Santa Monica buses across town, which is agonizing. They move at a crawl through heavy traffic, and going 10 miles takes two hours or more. At rush hour they’re packed with the poor, the drunk, the young, the old, the multiply convicted felons, and all of the 100% disabled insane people. All of us got to share each other’s vivid personalities, differing cultural sensitivities, and rich evocative aromas.

Dr. Geek was a regular on my trips from the Westside to Downtown. He was a very large man with an expansive manner, and he’d spent the day in the heat singing so his body’s natural glow was evident to all the senses. He often wore one of those huge foam cowboy hats you see at county fairs, and carried the tool of his trade: a gigantic boom box that seemed to have sharpened corners and weighed about 400 pounds, or half the good Doctor’s mass.

He would lurch onto the bus, boombox blaring, and announce to the world that “DR. GEEK IS IN!” Pushing backwards, not with malice but with an infectious joie de vivre, he’d get to about the middle of the bus and yell out again “IT’S DR. GEEK!”

For the next two or more hours, the Doctor was in session. We all got some free raps (he’d offer to customize without the usual fee), and if no one was up for it, he’d lay some rhymes out for us, freestyle. Sometimes he’d use the boombox and other times it was just an a cappella hip hop cornucopia.

The first time, it was a blast. The second time, it was a smaller blast. The third time, it sucked, especially since he kept backing into me with his wall-like back while he was caught up in the passion of yelling “I’M THE ORIGINAL/DR. GEEK/AIN’T NO ONE ELSE ON/VENICE BEACH” or something similar.

It was nice to see that he has a website and isn’t dead. At the time I wanted him to go away and die, but now I’m happy that the Doctor is still living large.

The Big Kids

I grew up in Southern California suburbia in the 1970s. It was an ideal place to be a kid. I was sheltered from the worst of life but not insulated from reality. There was always something to do, and the weather was always good. I had good schools to go to. And the neighborhood was full of kids, so I always had someone to play with when I ran out the door to find adventure. We had glorious dirt clod wars, made bombs, created entire Tonka truck empires, dug pits, and everything else that was fun.

Like most little kids, I was fascinated by the big kids. Starting at about seven or eight years older than me, they were gods of suburbia: large, loud, rough, authoritative, and frightening. They had long hair, and the older ones rode dirt bikes. They listened to crazy heavy metal music. They knew all the bad words, always had fireworks, wore cool surf clothes, and were big and tan and imposing.

The most impressive part about the Big Kids was that they were all apparently insane. For example, they’d get up on the roof of someone’s house with the heavy metal music blasting and scream at the sky repeatedly. In the middle of the night they would ride their dirt bikes up and down the street in nothing but swim shorts, also screaming at the sky. One time, some of the Big Kids stole another little kid’s bike and leaned it against the tree in front of their house. When he showed up to get it, they shot him a bunch of times with a BB Gun from their window while he sobbed and writhed and ran. I watched from my own window across the street, fascinated and terrified.

The death rate for Big Kids amazed me. The next door neighbors lost two of them, the family three doors down lost one, and I can remember three more just from our street during my childhood. Two others ended up permanently and severely handicapped.

The society of Big Kids was very masculine. The Big Kid girls were mousy and wide-eyed, long hair parted in the center. They were nice to me but totally alien in their teenage world. I remember one girl in particular who had an entirely purple bedroom: carpet, bedspread, walls, even a fuzzy purple toilet seat cover. I was at their house with my parents once staring in awe at her purple den. One of the Big Girls died too.

Not all of them were rough tough crazies. Two of the Big Kids I remember mostly for their cars. One was a paraplegic older brother of a friend’s. He had a ’60s Mustang California Special modified with hand controls that was the coolest thing ever, and he gave me a ride in it so I could see how it worked. Another guy had a VW bug full of CBC radio equipment and drove around talking to people in the bug, which I found ultimately awesome. And three identical tow-headed surfer boys down the street were in a locally famous rock band, and I got to watch them practice in their garage. They were rock gods, and one of them had a Van Halen sticker on his VW squareback.

The Big Kids’ music was dark and scary and fascinating itself. I remember looking at the window display in a Licorice Pizza record store for Blue Öyster Cult’s Agents of Fortune, all weird imagery and craziness, and wondering what it was all about. The screaming sex noises of Led Zeppelin and Van Halen confused and attracted me. To this day my reaction to 70s heavy metal and hard rock is a flashback to those kids with their long hair and work shirts and corduroy pants with the comb stuck in back, howling along to Alice Cooper or something.

Since I was a sheltered little kid, I was unaware of what bound together the big kid craziness, the screaming on rooftops, the shirtless midnight motorcycle rides, the caterwauling music, and the deaths. They were of course all high on hard drugs, mostly heroin and hallucinogens, and drunk. All the time. Of the two kids next door, one died in a DUI motorcycle crash and the other OD’d on heroin and died in the snow in the mountains. The kid at the end of the street flipped his VW fastback on the S-curves under the influence. The girl who died had mixed her heroin wrong that day. Of the Big Kids who died on my street, only one that I remember didn’t die from drink or drugs; he got cancer. All of these things I found out years later.

Looking back on it, those kids were generationally doomed. They were all born within a couple of years of 1960 probably, and hit their adolescence just when the 1970s drugs ‘n’ sex culture was at full blast. At 14 it’s not easy to handle free-flowing hard drugs, no-consequences sex, and pop culture that celebrates total hedonism. Like me, they felt safe and insulated in suburbia. But they’d let in an assortment of incubi and succubi they couldn’t resist.

Victoria Williams wrote a great song for them, because she was one of the Big Kids. It’s called “Summer of Drugs”. When I hear that song I think about those stoner surfer kids shooting up and blasting their 70s rock, and dying.

We were too young to be hippies
We missed out on the love
Born to be teens in the late 70s
In the summer of drugs…

Festival of Lights

Last night I was heading north over the toll road, and as I got up to the summit, where you can see the entire county, I saw the flash of an explosion in the distance. I was caught off guard for a moment and then realized I was probably seeing Disneyland fireworks. Sure enough, a few more flashes and some trails of sparkly fire were seen.

Just as I had settled back into the Normal World and turned my attention back ahead on the road, a huge bright meteor streaked across the sky right over my sunroof and disappeared somewhere in the far north.

bevelled eggs

  1. Holy crap. There’s commuter rail in the Valley now. Yes, that Valley. With a bikeway. And “amenities”. It actually happened! That kinda rules.
  2. Another thing that kinda rules is the band Akron/Family. Various mp3bloggers have been raving about these guys for a while now and I got a couple mp3s that way and liked them, and started following their myspace. Now I got a whole abum from them on emusic. Hey, indie rock may not be dead after all!
  3. If you want to know what the Secret Rulers of the World are up to, the first thing is to read the shocking and nearly unbelievable Protocols of the Elders of Texas. Wheels within wheels, my friends. Wheels within wheels.
  4. In less awesome news, something big was on fire down in Laguna tonight. I saw engines and a ladder truck from two agencies and cop cars from three agencies all hurtling down there Code 3 tonight. Hope it wasn’t a brushfire.