Tag: grinch

The universal sales event

If I get one more of those GIVE THE GIFT OF DEATH & DISMEMBERMENT INSURANCE! or LAST CHANCE TO SHOW YOU CARE WITH AN ARBY’S GIFT CERTIFICATE or ORDER TODAY FOR CHRISTMAS DELIVERY OF NO-LEAKS-MLADY BEDPANS I may… just… become…

… a little less Christmasy.

I do understand that people who sell children’s bicycles or fine chocolates or sex toys are going to be advertising a lot this time of year, and I can make my peace with that. The inappropriate products and services sold as “holiday gifts” are astounding, though. All services have gift certificates and all products have special Gift-Pak stupidity.

I salute the energy and inventiveness of advertisers, but come on: prepaid oil changes? donations in your name to contentious and controversial nonprofits? A subscription to the Arthritis Health Letter? A new garage door opener? A genuine Third Reich swizzle stick! A dream date with Paul Williams in knee pads! A BABY’S ARM HOLDING AN APPLE

This Holiday Season, Why Not Feed Lead Paint to Toddlers?

  1. Josef Hoflehner takes hauntingly beautiful photos of Iceland.
  2. For designers, a hilarious wall of shame: the B3ta Phallic Logo Awards!
  3. Waiterrants documents one server’s seduction of an entire table.
  4. Courtesy we make money not art, I find out that Fritz Lang’s classic murder thriller “M” is available for download free in its entirety from the Internet Archive.
  5. Yo momma so fat, they need a longer needle to stick her in the ass. The interesting part, actually, is the criticism of the numbers at the end. I’m glad someone actually looks at things like that.
  6. My two favorite Christmas songs are “Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis” by Tom Waits as sung by Neko Case, and “Brick” by Ben Folds. YES, I AM STILL A CHARACTER ON GRINCHCITY.

Door to Door (slight return)

Another college guy showed up at the door with the exact same spiel.

ME: You guys already hit me up.

HIM: It’s not what you think, we’re not selling magazines.

ME: Right, you’re selling books!

HIM: …yes. Did he have something like… ::shows brochure::

ME: Right, exactly. Books for kids, in the hospital.

HIM: Well, crap. I’m just around the corner on Francisco. No one around here is in my class! What the heck?

There’s a pause and the poor guy looks genuinely lost.

ME: I’m not sure he was at UCLA like you. Maybe he is at a different school that’s doing the fundraiser.

HIM: Oh man, yeah. Crap. Yeah.

ME: So, anyway, this area has had the pitch already. Sorry.

HIM: Thanks, man. ::wanders off sadly::