what a week (local)

Tonight I almost ran over an entire pack of ironically metalled-out 20somethings who were tittering across the street after a Scorpions concert at the fairgrounds. The cops were having a joyous time arresting them all for misdemeanor irony. Aren’t the Scorpions, like, 60 years old now?

Looking through the police blotter I see that:

  • There was a drive by shooting around the corner from my house (East Bay St.)
  • Someone found the remains of a bound and decapitated lamb, which appeared to have been sacrificed by some loons celebrating the Solstice (way to handle your GOTH PARTY, assholes!).
  • Some local buffoons put an ad on Craigslist selling very illegal fireworks and all got arrested. Bonus points: the ringleader, teen henchman #1, and teen henchman #2 all have Myspaces so we can laugh at them.
  • A local couple were convicted of slavery this week. That’ll look awesome when you apply for a job at Wendy’s after you get out. Please list your felonies on this form.
  • There are two separate ongoing criminal cases at once right now of guys who licked people’s feet.

On the plus side, my friend Craig made it into the Weekly for being a 581% insane hardcore bicyclist. He’s clearly made from liquid metal.

Great Moments in Publicity: Armageddonist!

Courtesy jenlight. For me this brought back a memory of my time at the newspaper. Our typesetter hated the food writer’s prose with a passion. Due to irrepressible immaturity he would insert uncomplimentary things about her and her writing in the copy while setting it. We in Editorial would then have to find and remove them. It was really funny the first time.

Greenpeace’s fill-in-the-blank public relations meltdown

Before President Bush touched down in Pennsylvania Wednesday to promote his nuclear energy policy, the environmental group Greenpeace was mobilizing.

“This volatile and dangerous source of energy” is no answer to the country’s energy needs, shouted a Greenpeace fact sheet decrying the “threat” posed by the Limerick reactors Bush visited.

But a factoid or two later, the Greenpeace authors were stumped while searching for the ideal menacing metaphor.

We present it here exactly as it was written, capital letters and all: “In the twenty years since the Chernobyl tragedy, the world’s worst nuclear accident, there have been nearly [FILL IN ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOID HERE].”

Had Greenpeace been hacked by a nuke-loving Bush fan? Or was this proof of Greenpeace fear-mongering?

The aghast Greenpeace spokesman who issued the memo, Steve Smith, said a colleague was making a joke by inserting the language in a draft that was then mistakenly released.

“Given the seriousness of the issue at hand, I don’t even think it’s funny,” Smith said.

The final version did not mention Armageddon. It just warned of plane crashes and reactor meltdowns.

-Jeff Shields

It’s a mallomar, i guess that’s what i’m describing

Where the worlds of pants-filling terror and head-throbbing annoyance meet: ACTION MOVIE MARKETING:

SANTA CLARITA, Calif. (AP) — A newspaper promotion for Tom Cruise’s upcoming “Mission: Impossible III” got off to an explosive start when a county arson squad blew up a news rack, thinking it contained a bomb.

The confusion: the Los Angeles Times rack was fitted with a digital musical device designed to play the “Mission: Impossible” theme song when the door was opened. But in some cases, the red plastic boxes with protruding wires were jarred loose and dropped onto the stack of newspapers inside, alarming customers…

Not likely to get national coverage

I’m fascinated by this one, though: $500K Seized: Strange Situation at Nuclear Plant.

Yeah, so. Big truck full of stuff. Nuke plant. Five hundred grand in small bills. Trucker with no ID. This sounds like the beginning of a Bob Trout story. One hopes the nuke plant is a coincidence and it’s just the usual drug deal/money laundering gone wrong.

Or maybe if you mix your crack with plutonium it’s even better!