I know the adjective “Orwellian” is used too much

But sometimes you need to drag it out. This time it’s  the BBC news trying to choke down the latest buffet of insanity from our military in Iraq:

IRAQ ‘REVERSE SURGE’ PLAYS ON U.S. MINDS

There are a few gems, but this one stands out for me:

“US commanders are reluctant to allow the backward momentum of the reverse-surge process to merge seamlessly into a wholesale withdrawal of American forces“

What the hell does that mean? Mostly, it means that they don’t really want to pull the troops out yet. Or maybe ever. So the pull-out of troops is now a “reverse surge” and since the “surge” was a “good thing” this means we should be really careful and probably not do it! And we don’t want it to “merge seamlessly” into an actual withdrawal. In other words, because we’re not “surging” we should not leave for an undetermined time, because that would be, well, bad. Got  it?

This is that rare and beautiful news story in which every single item is a lie. An easy way to fix it up would be to replace each paragraph with this: “There is blood everywhere and no plan.”

I’ll  sell t-shirts! Meanwhile, as Orwell put it, “The fascist octopus has sung its swan song, and the jackboot  is in the melting pot.”

GO READ HIM NOW and every week from now on, so you can understand the weird stuff in the news. It’s a short little essay and people forget how important it  is.

A Late Decree in the Matter of the Feast of St. Valentine

WHEREAS, the Feast of St. Valentine has repeatedly proven offensive or inconvenient to the majority of the American People;

WHEREAS, the Feast of St. Valentine has been demonstrably debased by unseemly commercialism and rapacious greed;

WHEREAS, all attempts to celebrate the Feast of St. Valentine in the common way debase the true arts of love;

WHEREAS, the above factors in combination have continued to cause strife, discomfort and misery in the Greater Portion of the American People;

WHEREAS, the activities surrounding the Feast of St. Valentine debase and shame the American People;

AND WHEREAS, a more appropriate and honorable claim to that day exists;

NOW, THEREFORE, we decree that the celebration of the Feast of St. Valentine be hereby ABOLISHED;

AND WE FURTHER ORDER that the Fourteenth Day of February each year be rededicated to the celebration of the birth of Joshua, Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico, who, by the grace of God, ruled his people wisely and well for more than twenty years.

via boutell by kfringe at http://kfringe.livejournal.com/282716.html

Dear the O.C. Weekly

From: me
To: letters@ocweekly.com
Subj: Regarding the “Sex Issue”

Why is this issue different from all other issues?

—–

To: me
From: [REDACTED], Editorial Assistant
Subj: Re: Regarding the “Sex Issue”

This is a themed issue. The theme is sex. Hope this helps you!

—-

From: me
To: lettersoc@ocweekly.com
Subj: Re: Regarding the “Sex Issue

Guess you didn’t get the joke. Have a good one!

ITEMS

Folks, sooz is magic. Here are the reasons why:

  1. I showed up almost an hour later than I said I would and she barely mentioned it.
  2. She took me to a place where there were crepes, and I ate one, and the crepe was good. [end hemingway]
  3. She drove me to L.A. to see art!
  4. Despite being late, we saw the art because magic happened:
    1. She believed that we would make it on time even though the traffic was awful, and she was right
    2. She believed that we would get into the parking lot that said it was full, and she was right
    3. There was a guy in the lot who seemed to be angling for the same space but it worked out fine for everyone
    4. While in line for the exhibit, after being told that we’d only get to walk through really fast because it was almost close, we were spontaneously given passes by an exiting couple and saw the whole thing
  5. She’s hot.

I rest my case, I does.

I’m voting for Obama.

I’m not convinced that either of the Democratic front runners will do much to make life here in the U.S. better.

I do think that Obama is likely to be less warlike, and in particular to scale back the war. The choice of candidate may feel disgusting to those of us who wanted a real anti-war candidate or for that matter a real Democrat. However, I feel obligated to do what I can to reduce the horrible carnage overseas.

If my vote contributes to a few thousand less dead, raped, injured, homeless, and impoverished in other countries, it’s worth it.

ELECTRICITY SPIRITS ARE ANGRY: ANYONE KNOW HOW TO FIX THIS?

Car: battery needs replacing, possible mysterious damage to electrical leads

Computers: home server blew up for no discernible reason. Big networking hardware at job is behaving erratically and goes off the air if it’s bumped or insulted.

Light bulbs: 8 blew out this week.

Toaster: died suddenly this week

Phone: my third (!) Cingular 8525/HTC Tytn died, and I’m out of warranty. Do not buy this phone. It has awesome features and runs great and then breaks. Now I have to buy a phone cash and I need a pretty good one because job and $$$.

New lamps my mom got: won’t use 3-way bulbs although they have 3-way switch.

My own nerves: conducting oddly on one side.