Category: Uncategorized

Dear God:

Please Destroy All Humans Now.

Hugs,

Your servant ignatz.

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THE EYE IN THE FOOD PYRAMID

I had a great time today. First, there was a binder. And I got a handout. And I got to put the handout in the binder!

There was a food pyramid. A real one, made of clear plastic, with fake plastic food in it. And we got to figure out the volume of fake plastic breakfast cereal. And figure out things like how much salt was in some soy sauce.

I learned about great resources just for people like me on how to make food just like the food you make from the recipes on the back of a cool whip bowl except not with cool whip. Also how to control my portion size so that I can feel like I’m living through the Great Depression, except with more plastic around. Many people, including the “Sugar-Free Fun Brigade” and the National Association of Negro Women are here to present me with excellent recipes and ways to enjoy life.

The other people in my class are all just going to fucking die. Probably next week. I waved goodbye to them. In case any of them ever read this, here’s some tips. You can’t save up food “exchanges” from one day and use them on the next. Going to two parties in the same day that have two different types of cake is not a good reason to have two large pieces of cake in one day. You cannot eat a diet without vegetables in it, claim that “I need protein in order to have energy”, and refuse to learn how to cook. If you have an intestinal problem that means you can’t eat fiber or fresh vegetables, and you are diabetic, you should probably shoot yourself now.

But hey. I’m one of the fortunate ones! I can enjoy my 3.5 carbs, 2 veg, 2 protein, and 1 fruit this evening as long as I am very careful not to eat enough that I experience pleasure or become sated. Then, I can stare at the wall!

Did you ever notice that the wall has these really intriguing little bumps on it?

P.S. The dietitian’s dogma contradicted itself in at least three places during the class. I feel like I’m in Sunday school.

P.P.S. I cannot understand after this class how anyone who eats Japanese food is still alive. They must have Evil Samurai Magic.