That alcohol may not solve problems, but it sure does chase them away for a couple of hours.
Maker’s Mark, I salute you. You’ve killed my pointless crush, my self-image worries, my career concerns, and my fear of death.
Ale, man, ale’s the stuff to drunk
For fellows whom it hurts to think
Look into the pewter pot
To see the world as the world’s not
Malt does more than Milton can
To justify God’s ways to man
hic.
ignatz: ow peppermint extract
ignatz: again, peppermint tea is QUITE ENOUGH
stimps: some people don’t get it
ignatz: Here, try this glass of wintergreen extract oops dead
stimps: IF A LITTLE IS GOOD THEN LET ME KILL YOU
From: American Express
Subject: Gold Card Events – BETTE MIDLER COMES
Detail:
Spray tanning booth disaster? Blackface gone awry? Photoshop error at Time-Warner-Disney-Monocorp? ALIENS?
She stands behind me in the kitchen and takes the spoon out of my hand and hands me another. What can I say, I’m a natural lunatic. Those scooters were made for clotheslines. Tell you what, I’ll call back in a week and we’ll get this thing going, right? ok? right? Please respond asap as I have a conference call with the interested parties. I’m going to have 9 because 12 gives you cancer. Serious as a heart attack. It’s a, what do you call it, fraud problem. The Tesh never stops. They had a metal bible there, I am not kidding. I have a schwoo up me. My gardener has two colors of skin. We’re working on it but we have no ETA. I am not selling anything; this is an opportunity. I turned the pan upside down and FLOP. That’s his “good” outfit, he only has one. All right my man, there you go, enjoy. That’s what I’m sayin’. Like I said. I just love to laugh, love my kids, love to travel. I think it usually means you have to make some really big changes. I’m over it. It’s crazy. I think I did it.
From: Find your Nerf Bars
To: Mayflower
Subject: Trick out your truck.
Walking out of the office tonight, I saw a TV tuned to what I think was FOX News. It was showing a couple of muppets with the headline banner “HIV MUPPET UPDATE” on it.
Dear Media:
I don’t want to know.
Love,
Substitute
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