Category: Uncategorized

Modest proposal

I propose a lottery. The tickets will cost $100. The lottery will go to fund medical care for the indigent. The winner of the lottery will get to spend 15 minutes alone with the President of the United States of America and a genuine Louisville Slugger baseball bat. I’m sure in other countries it’s possible to have a serious professional do the chief executive job. Here we get piñatas; I’m just proposing to treat them as such.

Homeland Security is Not Home

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Homeland Security is Not Home, originally uploaded by conradh.

I don’t understand. Why doesn’t it just redirect to http://www.dhs.gov/ ?

I feel slightly less “cyber safe”, as my “web buddies” may also here in the “e world”!!!

And now, to present the electoral vote, it’s the HOOTERS GIRLS!

Bradley: Have you seen what NBC did to Rockefeller Center?
Me: ?
Bradley: “Democracy Center” complete with a map of the US that will light up as states are won under the ice in the rink
Bradley: Don Imus will be broadcasting there starting at 3AM Pacific on MSNBC
Bradley: Don Imus!
Me: He hasn’t been assassinated yet?
Bradley: no 😦
Me: he is such a shit
Me: when I go on my killing spree it’s going to be all talk radio guys

and then a few gallons of cold swordfish water fell on me

I asked him how the car knew it was upside down and to set it off and he said it had a “thing”. How hard is it to get a fucking Coke with no ice around here? I suppose you have noticed this but she is a girl where it is going to be hard to say if she had a good time or not. I hope they let me wear the pink shoes.

I walk into the room and it’s not his dad at all, it’s a fucking ESCORT. I was the one who decided to call it Spooky Cornbread. I really like the way the trapped people wave their legs in terror. I figured as how if I take the Valium at 6 I’ll be asleep at 10 or if I take it at 8 I’ll be asleep at midnight but in any case I never got to sleep before 1 or 2. Can I ask you personal question that is about the Jewish people?

They ordered a bottle of the cheapest Hennessey and mixed it 1 to 3 with water, no joke. Those guys were wandering around for 20 minutes talking to the pigeons and then they started yelling about a Caesar salad.

We went about smoking crack completely the wrong way. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, I haven’t tied a tie since the Navy. Yeah I’m keeping mine clean, I don’t want to be Jessica Lynch and shit.

Then I had the great pleasure of telling those guys their car was uninsurable.

On account of how the stakes is so low

The subject of the elections here lately means Bush vs. Kerry, the clash of titans that the whole world watches with bated breath, etc. Since my state isn’t in contest, I go off to vote but not with a feeling of dire importance for the future of the world.

However, our local elections are always fun! We have candidates with names like “Buttolph” and “Garlich”, and everyone is white except for a few ethnic warlords, and all the fights are about local money and educational policy. The amounts and effects are small but very important locally.

In my town we have a municipal vote on “Measure L”. This measure would allow the use of some public beachfront land by real estate developers who wish to put timeshare resort housing there. This has to be approved by the voters because of a history of conflict between slow-growth locals and aggressively commercial development. With beachfront property there is a built-in conflict between current residents who want to keep things pleasantly folksy and builders who want to do a 15 story hotel and make $50 million.

The problem for the pre-development crowd is that they have no reason other than “business is good” to make their case. So, while the slow-growth people have all these great slogans (”No giveaway of public beaches”, “Don’t give up the beach”), the pro Measure L people are stuck. So far they’ve had “Benefits Girl Scouts!” (the developer apparently is giving them money), “Take Pride in Newport!”, and “Let’s Move Forward!” that I’ve seen.

To cap it off we have internationally known nutcases as some of our local politicians, including the comically right-wing Dana Rohrabacher, who was the model for Tim Robbins’ character in Bob Roberts, and the comically left-wing Larry Agran, the socialist mayor of Irvine. Larry has really lost it lately, gibbers and squeaks and waving arms, and appears to have a corruption problem too. His career is at a Nader (sic).