Category: Uncategorized

RIAA, 1700

This mode of travelling, which by Englishmen of the present day would be regarded as insufferably slow, seemed to our ancestors wonderfully and indeed alarmingly rapid. In a work published a few months before the death of Charles the Second, the flying coaches are extolled as far superior to any similar vehicles ever known in the world. Their velocity is the subject of special commendation, and is triumphantly contrasted with the sluggish pace of the continental posts. But with boasts like these was mingled the sound of complaint and invective. The interests of large classes had been unfavourably affected by the establishment of the new diligences; and, as usual, many persons were, from mere stupidity and obstinacy, disposed to clamour against the innovation, simply because it was an innovation. It was vehemently argued that this mode of conveyance would be fatal to the breed of horses and to the noble art of horsemanship; that the Thames, which had long been an important nursery of seamen, would cease to be the chief thoroughfare from London up to Windsor and down to Gravesend; that saddlers and spurriers would be ruined by hundreds; that numerous inns, at which mounted travellers had been in the habit of stopping, would be deserted, and would no longer pay any rent; that the new carriages were too hot in summer and too cold in winter; that the passengers were grievously annoyed by invalids and crying children; that the coach sometimes reached the inn so late that it was impossible to get supper, and sometimes started so early that it was impossible to get breakfast. On these grounds it was gravely recommended that no public coach should be permitted to have more than four horses, to start oftener than once a week, or to go more than thirty miles a day. It was hoped that, if this regulation were adopted, all except the sick and the lame would return to the old mode of travelling. Petitions embodying such opinions as these were presented to the King in council from several companies of the City of London, from several provincial towns, and from the justices of several counties. We Smile at these things. It is not impossible that our descendants, when they read the history of the opposition offered by cupidity and prejudice to the improvements of the nineteenth century, may smile in their turn. — The History of England from the Accession of James II

Theory: We Are All Andy Now

I have heard a lot of conspiracy theories about prominent people: that they are actually evil space lizards or controlled by same, that they are all Illuminati or Masons, that they are somehow demon-possessed or in the pay of warring alien races. This is clearly foolish and probably schizophrenic.

I have an alternate theory. I believe that in the early 1980s, shortly before he died, Andy Kaufman had himself cloned. The Kaufman clones grew quickly and were dispersed into the community, and there were thousands of them. Today, almost every prominent person in politics, entertainment, the arts, academia, the military, and media is an exact copy of Andy Kaufman.

This explains a number of things. How many times in the last few years have you heard someone say “This is insane! It’s like an Andy Kaufman routine!”? How many rumors have there been that Andy isn’t actually dead, but faked it and is in disguise? How many times have you looked at someone on TV or read something in the paper and though “Are daily events just riffing on Andy, or what?”

Locally we had a school board member named Steve Rocco who caused yet another set of Andy-lives rumors last month. The so-called “Borat” phenomenon is clearly Latka. The Turkmenbashi, Santorum, almost all bloggers, Zacarias Moussaoui, the list of Kaufman projects just goes on and on. How much of American public discourse now resembles 1970s pro wrestling? Nearly all of it!

There’s only one way to find out. I propose mandatory Andy DNA testing. How else will we know how much of our society is being controlled by his one last, best perfect performance?

And think about it. You could be an Andy too, and not know it yet.

Apocalypse at the CVS

I went to my pharmacy today, which is usually a nucking fightmare. Nothing’s ever ready, the computer takes forever, the insurance info is wrong, and there’s always someone screaming at the staff.

Today the computer was slow, as usual. The woman filling my script just kept typing and typing and typing, and I remarked that she seemed to be typing in the entire chemical structure of the drug. There was a guy in a tie just sort of hanging out in the background and he laughed. Then it appeared he was watching what the staff was doing, and occasionally he’d step in to show them something on the computer or to ask what the pharmacy assistants were doing.

Turns out he was the Efficiency Expert and I.T. guy. But, unlike every other one of those I’ve met, he was really good. Pleasant, observant, helpful, and very interested in making things work better. He’d already set up both the computers and the staff process so that people actually there in the store waiting were at the head of the queue, which incredibly had never been done before. He was also there to prepare the staff for the new computer system, which he said was “more drop downs, less typing, and easier.”

Then he stopped me on the way out to ask how well they’d done. The answer was perfectly: my two prescriptions were done in 10 minutes.

Now if I could only get a plan where it didn’t cost me hundreds of dollars a month to get the meds I need…

See also “Natural Chips”

At Mother’s Market tonight I saw a “Calorie-Free Honey BBQ Sauce.” What the. Response from friends via Sidekick included:

torgo_x: It’s WINDEX!!

hweimei: Where do they get the calorie-free honey? Wait, don’t answer that.

mendel: Frankenbees. (tiny, tiny terminals protruding from its neck) “Come quickly! I have invented the Splendabee!”

There was indeed sucralose in the ingredients. I wonder how you get the calories out of honey, though, so you can still use that word but without, um, honey? Scared.