I am Clouseau

Recent highlights from my career at Skynet:

I answer a phone call and immediately hang up on the caller because I forget that the desk phone is set to use the headset. I pick up the headset to say hello and hit the headset button, which causes the call to end. He calls back, and in attempting to answer the call properly and put the headset on, I only get out a "Hello" before I hang up again and simultaneously manage to pull the headset apart so that the headband bit pops off and flies across my cube, knocking over a pencil holder and leaving me with the earpiece in my hand.

I arrive at work without my computer. My contribution to the day consists of making self-deprecating jokes, attending the staff meeting, and going home early.

I am scheduled to deploy software in the early morning. I leave the AC adapter for my laptop at work, so that I only have < 2 hours of battery in which to do the deploy the next morning. The work can only be done on this machine. It’s a race against time, and DUM.

I expertly diagnose a problem by asserting flaws in a system completely unrelated to the issue, causing a minor panic and about an hour’s delay dealing with an outage.

I rip my pants at work. Fortunately this is only a small tear to the right of my "area." Once at home, I squat to pick something up and the pants rip straight down the leg. (Note: I have a history of pants explosions in work settings).

I march into a conference room with laptop and sit down among strangers, who smile at me in a welcoming way. My own meeting was canceled and I didn’t see the notification.

I carefully account for hours and submit my time to management on the time tracking system… for the next pay period, not this one. It is irrevocable for unknown reasons.

Stay tuned for more. Soon I will become Jacques Tati, or even Moe Howard. There’s no end to Workplace Theatre!

7 thoughts on “I am Clouseau

  1. This is adorable, though I’m sure it doesn’t feel this way.
    Seriously though — it took me three months to learn how to answer a call with my headset. The worst was that when I would try to answer with the headset, the technology would automatically put me on speaker phone, and so everyone in my office could hear the caller saying, “LAURIE? LAURIE? IS THAT YOU?”

  2. My contribution to the day consists of making self-deprecating jokes, attending the staff meeting, and going home early.
    Hey, this is what I contribute to my workplace a lot of days, even *with* my computer!

  3. My first job was in a restaurant. For some reason, things always seemed to go kablooie when the Assistant Manager was supervising. For instance:
    -a full 2-quart jar of ranch dressing slipped from my hands and landed at an appropriate angle and velocity to turn the thing into a makeshift cannon, explosively propelling the contents all over the servers’ station during the height of the rush hour.
    -a tube came loose as I filled the wine dispenser, causing burgundy to geyser across the walkway and all over the serving counter. The only way to stop it was to place my finger in the dike, but then I could go nowhere, fix nothing, nor get help. I had to stand there, shouting for help and feeling like an idiot.
    -gallons of ice tea were brewed in a tub that had previously held onions, causing me to serve many thirsty customers disgusting onion tea and causing a rush of complaints.
    -the Assistant Manager, who was a complete ass, caught a mouse, put it in a coffee pot with a bit of screen to seal it off, and then shook it at me! I am not remotely afraid of mice, but I am opposed to animal cruelty, and at 16 my work-behavior-filter was not yet firmly in place. Before I could stop myself, I literally kicked him in the ass.
    All of which is to say, I can relate.

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