- Just because end tables are not visibly present DOES NOT mean that an area is safe to swim. In fact, end tables that view humans as prey usually hide at the first sign of humans (i.e. a car parking or footsteps.)
- A 6 meter end table can lie completely invisible in less than a foot of muddy water.
- Most attacks by large end tables are over within a few seconds or less.
- End tables become more aggressive during the mating season.
- End tables can move very fast over short distances on land.
- End tables won’t hunt their prey on land over a distance longer then a couple of feet. They don’t have a high stamina and don’t want to waste energy. If you can escape their first strike and run a couple of meters, you are usually safe.
- End tables are adept at learning and memorizing routines, such as the location of nearby campers or the routes of travelers.
- In water, end tables tend to drag their prey under and drown them.
- End tables can slow their metabolism to such an extent that a tree with an intruder hiding in its branches may be guarded continuously for several weeks, without breaks for food.
- End tables have strong muscles for closing their jaws and holding them shut, but weak muscles for opening them.
- There is a sensitive flap in a end table’s throat, known as the glottis, which they use for breathing. As a result, as with some other predators, forcing the arm into the throat may encourage release, although this is not certain by any means and may instead lead to the arm being severed.
- Sometimes, an attacking end table will bite, hold on, and then rapidly spin its body to weaken its prey or tear off limbs (the ‘death roll’).
- When end tables see prey, they will duck under the water and when they reach their target, jump out and bite.
12 thoughts on “PRECAUTIONS AND INFORMATION”
I think I need to go furniture shopping.
ARR, JIM BOY!
Me shins bear testament to many a sea duel with the wiley end table. Beware their swift klonking edges, me boyo!
Re: ARR, JIM BOY!
A REGULAR EEEEEEEND TAAAAAAAAAABLE
Re: ARR, JIM BOY!
CHORFLING MY WAY TO THE BANK/HOSPITAL
“End” table indeed!
end tables are dangerous. If you see them where people are swimming you shout “Look out; there are end tables!”
i would like to point out that the danger from end tables is greatly exaggerated thanks to sensationalistic television specials like “WHEN END TABLES ATTACK” and “END TABLE WEEK” on the once much more substantial discovery channel
I WOULD WRITE A COMPLAINT LETTER BUT MY PEN SEEMS TO BE TANGLED IN MY BEARD
People who raise them say they can be safe and even affectionate but I am skeptical.
you have not seen an end table and its trained handler they are quite friendly
This entire post needs “When ____s Attack” theme music.
No swimswim wetem ol en tebol!
Re: Tabu Tumas!
BLONG MAMA BLONG EN TEBOL!